Upon reflection...
I look good in a mirror.

My son said he was going to change the time on every clock in the house if i didn't give him money.
"Not on my watch you won't" i replied.

I was struggling with the idea of how to get our bedroom a bit brighter.
Then I had a light bulb moment.

Snipers are better shooters by a long shot.

beware!! I thought screwfix direct, was a guaranteed internet dating site.
it's NOT!!!!!

When I think about it I realise that I just can't be bothered to be apathetic anymore.

A man is at a party. He gets hungry so he waits in the foodline and then he gets some food. Then he has to go to the bathroom so he waits in the bathroomline and goes to the bathroom. Then he is thirsty so he goes to get some punch and realizes that there is no punchline.

I just asked my German friend if he knew how many goals Ireland had conceded this tournament. He said 'Nein'.

Close your eyes and I'll update this old map of China.
No Peking...

Every evening, my husband puts on a big red robe, gold chains and stupid hat. He then parades around the neighbourhood waving at people for hours.
He's becoming a night mayor.

My Chinese friend 'Hu' has a short shorts fetish.

My Chinese friend 'Hu' has a short shorts fetish.

At my grandads birthday party I was telling him what I'd been up to when he started rolling his eyes.
He has some disgusting party tricks.

I hate jokes about the blind...
I just can't see the funny side

My blood is type O, though I think I might have spelt that wrong.

Cannot is a word invented for those who are smart enough to know that they
dont' know where to put the apostrophe.

I'm sitting in with a psychic to learn the business.
At the moment I'm just a sidekick.

I like my women like I like my people with an irrational fear of Sting.
Afraid to go to see The Police.

If I had a pound for everytime a homeless person
asked me for change
I still wouldn't give them any

The Indian government is to count every person in the country.
Finally they've come to their census.

Sean Connery joined the self preservation society earlier.
I saw him buying a tin of Ronseal.

My Girlfriend makes up jokes.
She works in a Beauty parlour in Newcastle.

I think the standard of golf may have suffered today , due to me and my mate playing a grudge match.
There were no-holes parred.

Organised gangs are working in the Thames Valley area and stealing from boat clubs.
Police believe the stolen goods are for sail overseas.

"Cloning is immoral"? Christ, man. Grow a pair.