I see that Russian civilians are protesting about their leader.
They need to be putin their place.

Just been kicked out a pub quiz for beating up an oriental bloke.
I think its fair to say I won that Thai breaker!

BBC news: Eye Drug 'could save NHS 84million'
No doubt this time next year they will have the Eye Drug 4S.

My mate bought an old tranny van today...
It used to be a woman.

The reason why Vincent Van Gogh was so famous was because of his ears.
Which similarly, is the same reason for Tony Blair.

I was walking down the road last night when a strange car started following me.
It was a Peel P50.

After giving birth by cesarean section, my wife woke and asked, "Where's our son? How is he?"
"I'm sorry darling. We lost him."
"No..What happened to him?" She sobbed
"He was ginger, so I mixed all the baby cots up."

I applied for a job in the accidental joke centre the other day.
"So, Dave. Do you think you are qualified?" I was asked.
"To some degree," I said.

"Daddy, when I grow up I want to be a pharmacist!" my daughter exclaimed.
"Why on earth would she want to be a helper on a farm?" I thought to myself

I wish I was blonde, to be fair.

I'm so with it, I start all my prayers with OMG

This guy came up to me and he said 'Yellow, cyan, magenta'.
I said 'don't talk to me in that toner voice'.

I was playing a racing game with my son when I started to beat him,
He's got a black eye but i won the race!

My Speed awareness course lasted 45 minutes.
I did it in 10.

My girlfriend came over to me today and simply said "The earth, together with all of its countries, peoples, and natural features"
It meant the world to me.

My girlfriend hasn't even noticed me since i started wearing my new camouflage outfit.

A dementia patient had to sell off parts of his land to pay for his treatement
He was slowly losing the plot

My girlfriend is leaving me because of my weed addiction.
She cannabis serious...

My local golf shop is selling all its stock to stay in business.
The putters, the drivers and the irons are all gone, but they're not out of the woods yet.

I was reading a book about steel finishing earlier,
It was rivetting.

I'm only with my Somalian girlfriend for her booty.

It's not easy finding someone to cover me at work.
I'm a lazy bed tester.

I wanted to see if my local builders were busy by looking at their website...
But it was under construction.

At first i was afraid, i was petrified.
But once my dad had loosened me up, it was actually very nice.

My wife threw a large Stephen King book at the back of my head.
I never saw IT coming.