My wife just accused me of caring more about darts than about her.
I almost chalked on my scoreboard.

Doctor: "I'm afraid you have less than 6 months to live."
Patient: "What have I got?"
Doctor: "April, May, June, July and August."

My doctor had to cut my aorta valve.
It broke my heart.

I lost my job in the morgue after I got caught using peoples organs to make tools.
My boss said that it was heart wrenching.

If you only read two magazines this week, make sure it's Deja Vu magazine.

'Millions wasted' on gift cards.
Since when have Oddbins been selling gift cards?

I'm gonna be so happy to tell all my friends on Facebook I've lost a stone in just two weeks all thanks to HCG!

I've just created a clock with a built-in air freshener.
Time is of the essence.

I've just finished painting my house.
It'll take pride of place on the fridge door.

Harry Redknapp and Fabio Capello couldn't be more different.
One a tax cheat the other defends one.

The wife didnt like it when I made a blind fold last night.
"Shhh,he doesnt know what his cards are, so whats the harm in easy money?" I whispered.

Trees seem very popular,
They've got branches everywhere!

My dad didn't go to University, instead he had a job and climbed the ladder.
He was a window cleaner.

I thought I'd take an American citizenship test before to see how well I'd do, and it was quite easy really. The first part of it was just saying how many stars and stripes were in the flag...
And the rest was history.

I was in goal last night at a fancy dress football match and I decided to go as a Ku Klux Klan member.
Managed to keep a clean sheet.

I've just got a job as a doctor for the World Health Organisation.
I didn't want the job, I just thought I was auditioning for Doctor Who.

Its Christmas Eve, its Christmas Eve! ... ... Eve?
John held back the tears as he realised Eve had past away on Christmas day.

Do you think, "I've pulled a sickie" is what Doctor's say to their mates
when they get off with one of their Patients?

Winalot has gone into liquidation.
They have called the retrievers in

Napoleon said, "Glory is fleeting but obscurity is forever"
Or is that something I read about previous X Factor winners?

Ive just been playing that game where you have to find out the song that was number one in the week you were born..someone told me that mine was Paradise by Coldplay..I told them I wasnt born yesterday!

I've just had a go of a remote control car that used to be a computer console.
It was a Mega Drive.

How many free-market economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
none. the invisible hand does it

The Carnival Cruise Corporation has named it's new flagship the ''Costa Fortuna''

if anyone wants my IP address it's upstairs and it's the room with the toilet.