I'm still working in an antique shop.
Nothing new there.

I got bitten by a poisonous snake yesterday but luckily my mums sister was on hand to give me the correct treatment.
Thanks Auntie Venom.

I created the Philanderer's Stone by accident. Now I'm immoral.

I just spent 54,000 on a flat............. Im skint now. Has anyone got a pump?

I just spent 54,000 on a flat............. Im skint now. Has anyone got a pump?

I've bought myself a dictation machine. What a waste of money.
It refuses to help me take over a small African country.

If you win the X-factor, you'll churn out Factor Y music for the rest of your career.

My flatmate keeps nicking my memory stick.
He really gets my back up.

Bicycles fall over far too often. It's time somebody made a stand.

We couldn't get into the changing rooms at the rugby club, so I picked a lock.
He smashed the door down.

My daughter did her first cart-wheel this evening.
As soon as she finishes the other one, we can get this thing on the road!

I just found out that my mate enters children's limbo contests, just to see their faces when they lose. How low can you go?

I can't find a synonym for synonym.
I did find an antonym for it, though.

I was evicted from my ranch today due to bankruptcy.
I put up a good fight, in the end I was deranged.

I've been a rodeo rider for two years now.
On and off.

My mate was making loads of noise with a wine bottle earlier and it was really annoying.
I told him to put a cork in it.

I went to an unusual restaurant the other day where all the food was moulded into spherical objects.
I had a ball.

Why did the KFC box meal audition for X-Factor?
It was a Wicked Zinger.

Why do North Koreans always write in small letters?
BECAUSE OTHERWISE THEY'D BE CAPITALIST.

'Possession is nine-tenths of the law'
That's why I'm hoping for a reduced sentence

"I am woman, hear me roar!"
"Yes darling, your new vacuum cleaner is lovely."

As I entered my car to go to work, I noticed someone pranked me by rigging hydraulics under one side of the car.
I flipped out.

I've just fisted my girlfriend's big hole.
It was an amazing feeling, seeing all her teeth crash to the floor.

I visited a memorial to all the men who died while working for Pickfords.
It was very moving.

This is my last Looney Tunes themed joke.
That's all folks!