My wife thinks I'm too old to still care so much for my Lord of the Rings memorabilia.
But you know what they say, it's not easy saying goodbye to old hobbits.

Bee keeping is a weird profession to aspire to.
Although, I hear it's buzzing in the summer.

I feel foolish.
I didn't have quite enough to eat.

I'm taking Dyson to court because they lie when they advertised their products.
I bought one and there's still an old bag attached to it.

Just bought a box of Innuendo Cakes.
They're pumped full of cream!

I demonstrate a real flare for arson.

My computer asked me if I wanted it to remember the recent web pages I'd visited.
I thought, "What's the cache?"

The wife just said to me she's going to black up her face and sing 'Camptown Races'.
Wonder if she's pre minstrel?

I just stole the vicar's paper. Well, technically it was The Sun of a preacher man.

I had to hire an eastern european cleaner to come into my store this week.
All my employees were filthy.

I won't be making any jokes about 9.11.
Apparently that's way past my bed time.

You have to Discriminate against Australians!

Saw a geometric shape with really sharp corners.
I thought "That's acute triangle"

My wife has left me because of my dual personality.
I'm beside myself.

I was re-reading some Harry Potters earlier, and I must admit, as a plot device, those Pensieves had a lot of thought put into them.

Lawyer - As you can see, the headline reads,
"Gang Wanted For Looting".
Judge - "& your point is?"
Lawyer - "Well my clients were simply doing what they were told"

There's nothing like a woman with a logical mind. Literally

My girlfriend always complains when I start boring her.
It's a fairly blase response to a power drill to the knees.

It will be a bit awkward when Tupac's family realise his name backwards spells "Caput"...

If you hang yourself using rope, then is the tension literally killing you?

I hate it when my girlfriend picks her nose in front of me.
She knows I'm not happy about the plastic surgery.

Why do Marty McFly and The Doc think they're so special?
I'm always travelling forward in time.

My mate manages a football team, and when I asked him how things were going this season and he said
"Alright, I just need one more player to help all of the black players gel together, any suggestions?"
I replied
"Pascal Chimp-bonder"

I saw some Indian's in Tesco's today........ They were working at the Deli counter.

Lescott did a bet on himself to score first. Bookies refused to payout however because of the state of his coupon