I've just seen ET being carried away from the supermarket in London...
I take it they're going to go back for the SCO.

Admiral Carpets in Birmingham was looted during the riots. Police are said to be on the lookout for a rug dealer.

My wife has been smoking very heavily lately. It was that bad, friends would even complain of the smell when they came round to the house.
Maybe I shouldn't have set her on fire.

I was doing a Maths exam and a question on probability came up.
What are the odds?

This joke is like a simile...
Even with an explanation, the Americans still won't get it.

I've just seen that dirty gypsy enter the big brother house...
I hate Kerry Katona.

I'm really looking forward to the Nottingh Hill Carnival on this bank holiday monday.
it should be a riot.

After 25 years of shrill, shrieking marriage, I finally found the courage to ditch my wife
....fingers crossed the police won't find it

The wife asked me to share some of the different types of beer I'd brought back from the supermarket.
She got my special bruise.

Bono - putting the 'poser' into 'composer'.

Did I enjoy my time as a trampoline coach?
It had its up and downs.

I had a good day at the bookies and was throwing my money around in the pub tonight.
Got thrown out when the bouncer took a fifty pence on the chin.

"This changes everything!"
I said as I found my old Tip-Ex.

It was getting late last night playing scrabble with a couple of girls when I yawned and thought, I'm going to have to catch some zedz soon.
And a triple word score or I'm going to lose to this pair of slags.

Whats the difference between Spurs forward line & a woman urinating in public?
Ones got Peter Crouch, the others gotta crouch to pee.

The general public really seem to have it in for me today,
Or the Jury as they are meant to be called...

My wife has left me because of my obsession with 70's glam rock bands.
Yes. Sweet.

I bought my baby son Microsoft Office.
It's his first Word.

I had 7 minute relationship with a solicitor behind my wife's back.
It was a brief affair.

Circles...
they've lost their edge.

Police in Southampton have seized over 300 million pounds worth of Cocaine
Lets just hope they follow the right lines of enquiry

I just dropped a porcelain voodoo doll that was an heirloom from my mother-in-law. My wife's shattered.

I've just read a piece in the newspaper about the mentally handicapped........... It was a special report.

Apparently when Rowan Atkinson crashed his McClaren F1 he injured his groin on the gear stick.
Now he's got a Blackbladder.

I almost won the final of the "Don't take off your blindfold" Olympics, but I peaked too soon.