My doctor says I must stop obsessing about food.
Piece of cake!

I recently proposed to my girlfriend, so I tried to phone up a wedding planner.
I couldn't get through though it was engaged.

I was really annoyed today when I was walking the two dogs and nearly got trampled by a herd of cows.
Although, to be fair, the wife and the daughter really don't like to be referred to in that way.
... Nor do their friends.

Just got on the plane at Heathrow which is full of drunk electricians going for a stag weekend.
I'm expecting to see sparks fly.

Daily Mail "Husband built electric chair to kill wife who asked for divorce"
I guess the spark had left their marriage

I saw my neighbours teenage daughter the other day with her new car. looked like someone had smashed it hard from behind, the car looked fine though.

I've got a black lab,
Where I conduct experiments on African's .

I'm separating from my wife because she never filters the coffee properly and it tastes like mud.
I'm sure I have more than enough grounds for divorce.

My mates just got back from his mission to construct the worlds largest paper airplane.
He didnt make it.

What's the similarity between a very good clown who's masturbating, and a very good, but predictable, joke?
You can see it coming but it's still really funny.

My girlfriend thinks that I can never take anything seriously.
"Of course I can," I pleaded.
"You're in denial," she said sternly.
"What does the longest river in the world have to do with this?" I retorted.

I have a slapdash approach to training my children for track sports. Either they dash, or I slap them.

I was in court, guilty, when the judge finally said:
'3 months inprisonment, or 2000, fine.'
I said 'I'll take the money, it seems ok to me.'

At the beginning of my gcse exam, we were told that no iPods, mobile phones or players of any kind were allowed.
So Snoop Dogg had to leave.

At the beginning of my gcse exam, we were told that no iPods, mobile phones or players of any kind were allowed.
So Snoop Dogg had to leave.

I've been eating lots of stuff from the ground without getting fat.
I think I've got worms.

As a child I always wanted to grow up to be a waiter.
But im far too impatient.

I found my wife in the kitchen, crying because the bread she made hadn't turned out right. She said, " I forgot to mix it together by hand and now dinner is ruined." She carried on sobbing even louder.
I said, " Ok, so there's no kneed to make a meal of it."

Having a double personality is good for my alter ego.

I had a job interview yesterday and went out wearing my favourite three-piece suit.
It was all going well until I couldn't fit the armchair through the doors.

My girlfriend is from Helsinki and is proud of her heritage,
but I always finnish first.

After a kid added me on Facebook I thought:
"How can a goat use a computer?"

My boss caught me doing the tango at work today and say, "Oi, do that on your own time!"
So now I do a bit of break dancing.

Jumped in the shower earlier.
Didn't know landing on a slippery surface was that hard.

Just for a laugh,I changed the font at our local church but the Vicar wasnt happy.
It took him half a day to get it back to times new roman.