My mom asked me if i'd heard of the famous Campanologist Johnny Murtagh
I said he rang a bell.

I took my son to the doctors today, and the doctor said "I'm sorry, your son is a hemophiliac"
I said "So what if I throw my favorite DVD at him?"
The Doctor said "There will be blood"
I said "No, it's actually Scarface"

I took my son to the doctors today, and the doctor said "I'm sorry, your son is a hemophiliac"
I said "So what if I throw my favorite DVD at him?"
The Doctor said "There will be blood"
I said "No, it's actually Scarface"

Daily Express: "Our little girl lives with half a brain"
Strange name for a partner.

An old man goes to the doctors complaining he hears music every time he puts his hat on. The doctor takes the hat into a back room and comes back out after a few minutes. The man puts his hat back on and says
"That's incredible, I can't hear music anymore. How did you do that?"
"Easy, I just removed the band."

My favourite one liner is the circle

I've just been up in court charged with flying my Sky-writing plane too close to the ground.
The judge gave me a suspended sentence.

I've been working as part of the crash team in A&E.
When they bring a seriously injured person in, I push a wheelchair into them at high speed.

I've been trying to get a six pack for years but it's just impossible.
No matter where I look, Stella only comes in fours, tens, twelves, twenties and twenty-fours.

I recently bought a German Shepherd.
It's amazing how quick he can goose step my sheep into their pen.

BBC News: Are Britons or Germans the rudest?
Neither. I knew a Dutch bloke who was very Ruud indeed.

Long story short,I wrote a summary of a novel..

I just got a job at kwik-Fit,
It's only voluntary but it's nice helping all the epileptics in need.

Wouldn't it be rad if you could get a degree in angles.

I went on a cookery show yesterday.
They said, "You've got thirty minutes to rustle something up"
So I popped out to the nearest farm and stole a sheep.

Why didn't the religious triangle go on holiday?
cos It's A sin To Get A tan

I went to Germany for the day and there I met a midget. We spent the day together and he taught me some new words.
Now I know a little German.

I bought a baseball cap today, but every time i put it on my head it rolls off.

I've been watching back to back Pixar films until I couldn't stand it any longer.
I threw Up.

Me and my band perform all types of covers and we usually feed off the crowd.
It's mostly half eaten hot dogs and burgers they throw at us.

I was in an Australian prison and I heard the guard shout "We've bought you a new cell mate"
I said "Good, this one is cramped and has no window"

My mate asked me if I wanted to go fishing with him.
I said, "What's the catch?"

Your mate saying 'I've always liked fuller figured women, personally' is a convoluted way of saying 'by the way, when you meet the missus, don't stare, she's fat.'

Any ladies want to come round to mine tonight for a dinner date?
I'm making rohypnol chicken...you won't be able to resist me afterwards.

I've just put a tracker on my new car incase it gets stolen.
I still don't know how a chocolate bar will help locate it though.