I was recently invited to a fancy dress party of the feline variety in the Himalayas.
Something about a cat man do.

I heard someone refer to Stevie Wonder as an 'icon' today.
Does that mean that he's not really blind?

I bet Kate Middleton's well chuffed to find herself on honeymoon with the future king of England.
I can picture her now, with her fist in the heir.

I noticed a young soldier who was only shipped out to Afghanistan after bin Laden was killed, managed to step on a land mine yesterday...
He's had trouble finding his feet.

Memo to whoever signed MasterChef's John Torode and Gregg Wallace to host Friday night's Have I Got News For You:
Booking doesn't get duffer than this.

BBC News: Bomb plotter scores court victory.
That's nice, he still gets to score with the ladies.

Got asked to make a new sauce...
...I'm relishing the opportunity

When I came back from Saudi Arabia I was court marshaled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

For the best dill bread,...
you must start with the highest quality dill dough.

I was smoking a joint at school when I thought, "Why can't I just have sandwiches?"

I've lost all my motivation in my job as a bus driver.
I really need a coach.

My wife and her best friend are both called Susan. I came home from work one day to find them both lay on our bed, naked.
My wife smiled, and said, "Remember that chat we had about our fantasies? Well, we're going to make yours come true tonight."
I wasn't sure what she meant at first, but I eventually put Sue and Sue together.

I gave my girlfriend a real spanking last night
Beat her 7-0 on fifa

I've been getting people to throw their spare change on an escalator for Children In Need.
So far I've managed to raise nearly three thousand pounds.

I insist upon shuffling when I play cards. The dancing helps me to concentrate.

I was nibbling the top of a Magnum earlier.
It's a good job I'd remembered to put the safety catch on.

My commanding officer went mental at me for not "standing properly" on parade.
What an attention seeker.

I'm worried that I might be losing my sanity.
I only like swimming in the shallow part of my pool.
I think I've gone off the deep end.

I drove in to the petrol station today.
There was gas bottles, barbecue equipment and flowers scattered everywhere.

I had a party the other night that got a little out of hand. My mate kept telling me that he'd love a go with the older chick who was sucking off some guy in the corner, then doing vodka shots off another guys back. After she'd blown every guy in the room and polished off the rest of the booze, Mum went to bed and the rest of us played trivial pursuit

Me and some mates were discussing our most memorable birthday presents when we were kids.
I said, " I remember when I was six, I asked for one of those purple Choppers."
One mate said, " I wanted that bike."
I replied, " Me too but I just woke to find my dad by my bed with his pyjama's open."

Girlfriend has just asked me if I want to watch a dirty movie. Was rather excited, until she showed me a DVD with chocolate smeared on it.

As I crossed the road earlier I said to my mate:
"This is a stupid place to play tic tac toe"

I've just been told about a new way to stop water stagnating
I'll give it a whirl later

My wife just caught me throwing snails at our son.
I'm now in trouble for child molluscation.