My wife asked, "Will you sponsor me? I'm doing the race for life with work, we're raising money for Anita."
I said, "Why? You might be cold now, but It's nearly summer, you won't need one then."

Pixar did well to abandon the original draft. Tolstory was supposed to be twelve hours long, and in Russian.

Apparently worms are at their bravest when they're in pears.

My 14 year old son was expelled from school today because of his facebook status. Josh and his girlfriend Stacey were doing voluntary work at a mammal rescue centre and due to the high volume of work he didn't have time to write a detailed status. So he just wrote....
Josh Varney is getting wood with his girlfriend's beaver.

My wife told me to stop judging people by how much money they have or she's leaving me.
That's rich coming from her.

Got told off at work today for being too lazy.
Give me a break!

"Do you like my new kilobyte?"
"Not the slightest bit."

Electric dough.
It's not what I want, it's watt I knead.

I managed to convince a jamaican friend of mine to say I was crazy the other day.
It was a monumental achievement.

A tramp just threw a magazine at me, never mind it's not a big issue.

Why is on the same as off?
I don't get either with my wife any more.

The other day on the toilet I stank so bad that all that went after me, smelled the same.
I call it my human scentipede...

Recently I was on an astronomy course with John McEnroe.
We were looking through a telescope at a star in the night sky and he said "You cannot be Sirius"

I was teaching my son how to date, I covered kissing and hugging and then his mother taught him to eat out, she always had the best table manners.

Some people take drug taking seriously.
I just do it for the crack.

I don't see the point in big, ugly animals with wide mouths and stubby legs.
Guess I'm just hippocritical.

I've invented a contraption which breaks up fights between a popular Labour politician and an Everton manager.
It really separates the Benn from the Moyes.

I want to make a joke about circles.
But I can't get my head around it.

I was learning about the forefathers today.
Or to put it better, Jeremy Kyle DNA test to see who my dad is..

I lie awake night after night trying remember the name of that French bloke who plays for Aston Villa
I think it could be N'Zomnia

'Welcome to the Black Parade':
Popular 'My Chemical Romance' song.
And Joseph Kony's National Anthem.

Thanks to all the pot I've smoked, I'd completely forgotten about 'flower power' in the 60's..
And came back from the shop with the much smaller 40 pack of 'summer breeze' liquitabs.

Spring Deal:
50% off all trampolines

there's a group of judges marking the scores of a talent show, during a break they are discussing the scores, one of them says 'this is going to be a tough one, i've had a tie two ways' another replies with 'i had a thai three way, that's one night i'll never forget'

My mate was telling me the other day about a new craft film he's making..
Its called Harry Wizard.. And he's a potter.