I kicked a cheeky pirate in his leg today.
Really took him down a peg.

My wife's a little cranky tonight.
It's Fan-Dabi-Dozi when she's dressed in her school uniform.

I've just clipped a parrots wing.
I'm not bothered though, I got his autograph when exchanging insurance details.

The doorbell went last night.
I've reported the theft to the police.

Just finished my screenplay about the life of Ireland's most famous poet, I don't mean to be arrogant but it's got Oscar written all over it.

I was going to go as a coconut to my girlfriends fancy dress party but i was a bit shy.

My dentist asked me if I'm flossing twice a day. I said, "Yes," but I never floss.
You might say I was lying through my teeth.

I hate my family having such high expectations of me.
Just the other day my dad asked me for 'a cuppa', and all of a sudden I'm meant to be some sort of pottery expert.

My Granddad used to put a ball in one of three cups and then move them round. Then I had to guess which one it was in.
I said, "Doesn't that hurt?"

you know what I can't stomach?
Gastroenteritis.

My wife ran out of petrol this morning.
It wasn't too much of a problem though, I still managed to light the vapour trail.

Nice to see JML have released a new product, a French woollen blanket with goes over your car, the Nicholas car cosy.

I used to fool people by putting up signs indidcating a 'right turn' in the road. But now I'm on the straightened arrow.

When relationships end, kids are often affected...
...Harvey Price always looks like he's just been dumped.

I thought somebody took half my brain in a lobotomy
But turns out it was just a fragment of my imagination

The secret to success is honesty & good bookkeeping....
if you can fake those you're sorted.

Announcement: This Train Terminates Jumpers.

Me and my wife went to the local Pet Shop to buy a pet bird of some sort.
It proved unsuccessful; after shooting down all of her suggestions the pet shop manager said I wouldn't a suitable owner.

I've just seen a German midget climbing into a tin.
I think his name is Heinz.

My dad said hes sick of spending time on the canvas.
He's not an artist, hes Audley Harrison

I always tell my wife to wear at least 10 pairs of knickers when going out.
She's been well briefed.

A burglar robbed my house last night, but all he stole was a clock that had almost run out of batteries.
He only took a few minutes.

I recently developed a fondness for Siamese Vodka.
We're joined at the hip-flask.

People call me a bad loser....but I think I'm quite good at it

I can't stand independent women.
They just don't do it for me.