Me and my mate Lee were having an argument whether Humpty Dumpty was real or not.
He said, "Of course he isn't, he's an egg."
I replied, "Eggs act Lee."

Lines are frozen?
Didn't know it was that cold.

I've recently had problems being able to urinate, so I got my problem looked at free of charge on the NHS.
I didn't spend a penny.

I've been working on a hair gel that can cure narcolepsy... 6 years, and still nothing..... I'm getting rather slick and tired.

I would like a pie chart that charts how big a slice of pie people prefer.

My memory is playing tricks on me. It keeps asking me to pick a card, any card.

I was telling my friend of mine how my wife hurt her foot when climbing on a volcano.
'Krakatoa?' he asked.
'No.' I said, 'she only sprained her ankle.'

I needed a part for my car so I walked to the garage in the rain.
I got piston.

My dog loves it when I tickle her neck
As soon as I hit the cervix her leg starts to shake.

My friends and I were Goths in high school. During lunch we'd sit by ourselves and plot a defense against the invading Hunnic Empire.

I challenged a black man to a rap battle, he said I could never beat him at his own game.
So I took a stab at it.

SKY NEWS: Disabled Face 'Alarming' Welfare Cutbacks
Fair enough, disabled faces are pretty alarming.

Saw a police trailer earlier with 'CAUTION HORSES' written on the back. Bit stupid, they wont even understand what you are telling them.

I went to the ugliest swingers party last night, every one a minger.
Should have known really, the invite said it was a 'Pig & Mix'..

My grandad rode national hunt horses until he was run down by a steamroller.
Luckily for him, he went on to be a successful flat jockey.

Having seen both his ugly women that cheating chilean miner has a terrible choice to make.
It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I went to see a motivational speaker last night, but all he did was stand on stage and breathe in really loudly.
He was truly inspiring.

They say the chance of a girl beating anorexia is very slim.

I think my pumpkin really enjoys Halloween. Every Halloween weekend his face always lights up!

I just got demoted by my boss to deputy head of air conditioning.
I can't say I'm a fan.

What do you call 3 virgins chopped up and stuffed in a blender?
An Innocent Smoothie.

I pulled a disabled girl in the pub last night.
The handle on her wheelchair was caught in my jacket.

Irish embroiderers: Tread carefully.

My son threw a tantrum because he didn't like some of the clothes I bought him today.
It was really over the top.

I threw a birthday party for my dog.
He wouldn't fetch it though.