Sky News: Emma Bunton Denies Reports Of New Spice Film
She said the Thyme wasn't right.

Being unmarried - it's just one undarned thing after another.

My 5 year old son thinks hes black, the other day he was trying to create slang by shortening words like sausage and mash into saush.
I found it amusing when he turned rap artist into rapist.

Apprently you have to be cruel to be kind
By that logic i'm the worlds kindest father.

BBC News: Doctors face cut in hefty bonuses.
Probably by a jealous colleague who didn't get one.

Sky news -
'Tomlinson Doc Rapped Over Post Mortems'
I wonder if it was his own material or just a bit of Eminem.

My girlfriend always insists on being on top.
Which is annoying when the bus isn't a double decker.

Last night Cheryl Cole told an X-Factor contestant they were "right up her street." Bet the bloke who she said it to was thinking he'd rather be right up her alley.

My siamese twin happens to be my closest friend as well.

What's 4 x 4?
My weapon of choice when I'm done with her

I don't know why my wife says that I have bad breath.
Its kept me alive for 43 years so far.

If I had a penny for every time I went to McDonald's last month I'd have a quarter pounder.

An arsonist walks into a library and asks for a book on fires.
The librarian says,''Sorry,they're all out.''

After my mate was paralysed from the waist down he quickly turned to drink, drugs and gambling.
Shame really, he used to be such a stand up guy.

I took some tablets to lower my cholesterol..... I ended up with fat feet!

BBC News: Insurers 'face $7billion Chile bill'
Now they're regretting not going for the curry.

The new girl at work is a real brown nose.
I saw her in Lesbian Rimmers 11 last month.

Ian Huntley has cheated death after having his throat cut by another inmate.
That must have been a close shave then?

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The bloke behind the counter said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The bloke behind the counter, trying to console her, said,
"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".

My wife bought some period pants last week.
They're Victorian.

When people try to sell me things, I find it very hard to say no.
I have a stutter.

I've just been made redundant from my job, colouring fabrics.
It's a dying trade

I was at the zoo the other day, and a sign said 'Do not touch fence'.
I dont know why, I just couldn't put my finger on it.

If the ratio of your waist to inside leg measurement is 3.14,
you've eaten too many pies.

I was reading The Sun earlier when something caught my eye.
The corners of the page are sharper than they look.