Sporting Lisbon finish 4th in the Portuguese Liga. But I thought the nice guys finish last?

I work in a clock factory and I'm late for work every single day without fail.
My boss doesn't mind though, I just make up time when I get there.

The other day my mate remarked, "Oh yeah, as if you'll ever post a funny joke on Sickipedia."
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," I told him.
"No," he replied, "Imitation is the lowest form of wit."
"No," I replied, "Imitation is the lowest form of wit."

I witnessed a bloke with a Play-doh stencil set, being escorted out of a nightclub by the bouncers.
He had been making shapes on the dance floor.

I've just bought a painting of a small, very attractive blonde girl at an auction.
It was a Pixie Lott.

The guy who lives on the farm next to me just put some strange metal wire around his field.
For the last few days I just couldn't put my finger on it, and when I finally did I was shocked!

100 Black dwarfs doing a marathon.
Now that would be a funny race.

Do you know what makes me really mad?
Dementia

My mates call me Dr Doolittle.
Because every Sunday morning I wake up with a different dog.

Why does Ron Atkinson's jacket say "RA" on the front?
He had a Cyst removed.

Does anybody else have severe muscle pain and mental exhaustion, or is it just ME.

Me and my mate got wrecked smoking and drinking potatoes lastnight.
By the end of the night, We were mashed.

My wife always takes it out on the house whenever I make her angry.
Today, I told her that I'd slept with her sister. She hit the roof.

I'm quite glad my girlfriends father is well connected.
With all those tubes attached to him in hospital, it means I can bully his daughter about.

My wife certainly raised a few eyebrows when she started hosting Botox parties.

And the Winner of not crying the most during the Olympics, goes to
Mrs Sharp from Croydon, with shedding just one Tia.

Sickipedia is like every fit girl I've ever met..
It's impossible to get on.

Three men were arrested after an armed raid at Millets today.
They were charged with possession with a tent to supply.

Top Tip
The apex of a rubbish dump.

I used a cheese grater today.
To my disappointment, it did not enhance the cheese in any way, shape or form.

I went to a casino last night and was stood next to guy playing Blackjack that kept having win after win after win.
I couldn't believe this guys luck but realised he was stood on a what looked like a bit of bread.
I asked him. " Mate, your doing really well but what's that under your shoe?"
He said. " Shhh! I'm on a roll."

So there I was chatting to a nice polite librarian about a book when she picked it up, turned around and bent suggestively over to place it away on the bottom shelf.
I thought it really lowered the tome of the conversation.

I just blew my whole wage cheque.
I had to, I spilt coffee on it.

The spirit of my late father was in contact with me last night.
He hit me with a bottle of vodka when he stumbled in at two in the morning.

Knife then fork.
How necrophilia is done.