I took the wife into our garden today, where I'd stuck a load of signs saying, "I'm leaving you."
"What are those doing here?" she shouted.
"These are my grounds for divorce," I replied happily.

My wife said to me today that as she's approaching 40, she wants more out of life. She said she's fed up delivering babies at the hospital and wants to go travelling around the world and to buy a Porsche.
I think she's having a midwife crisis.

For years now I've been pressuring young girls to join convents...
Force of habit I guess.

After having colonic irrigation today I was really tired.
It really takes it out of you.

I've just lost my ice sculpture business.
It went into liquidation.

I've had to stop collecting packs of cards.
I've got a full house.

I had to sit all of my exams three years earlier than I was supposed too. I got really worried and had to try and think of other things to take my mind off of them, giving myself a chance to perform better- one of the many issues with premature examination.

I like to create lists which mix English and Latin, like: one, two, three, et cetera.

Archaeologists have discovered the remains of what appears to be a prehistoric coastal golf resort in East Africa.
It could be the missing links.

Did you hear about the cannibal who had epilepsy?
He had a fit for his dinner

My mate has one of those double barrell surnames.
Shot gun.

People tell me that I'm a good source of comfort.
As far as I know however, the best source of comfort comes from unilever.

I fell into the Beaver enclosure at the zoo.
I'll be dammed.

A new prosthetics company has started up in my area that will only take payment in nuts.
It will cost you an almond a leg.

This girl asked me out last night. I was so shocked.
I wonder how she found me in her closet in the first place.

I saw a poor old tramp in my local
supermarket, just looking at all the freshly
baked loafs of bread,
I approached him, put my arm round him
and said, "I'll help you out, which way did
you come in?"

I tried to get into a nightclub last night, but they said there was a 1,000 entry fee.
I told them to forget it, so there was no grand entrance for me.

Whenever I switch my faucet on, there is always a delay before the water starts running.
It's out of sink.

This bloke kept throwing bits of his mouth at me.
In the end I said: "That's enough of your lip!"

I pulled a muscle today
I kept clam.

My mate says he can make fish jump into his boat without lifting a finger.
I'm sure there's a catch.

I've just got a new job, carefully cutting a piece of wood with utmost precision and accuracy.
I can't hack it.

I asked my road sweeper mate how things are with him since he's been a bit down on his luck.
He said "Picking up".

the BBC are showing repeats of The Flintstones in the middle east
the people of Jordan dont want it but.....
abu dhabi do

The idea of perfume makes so much scents.