How do you make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

My wife is leaving me because I told her she overreacts too much.

I went to the Fun Fair to play some games.
Turns out they weren't fun or fair.

I just tried cancelling my job interview with a company that makes straight jackets.
But I couldn't get out of it.

Liverpool F.C. looking to sign a hot prospect this summer that suits them and represents their city very well.
Robin Nans Pursie

I have a friend who's so rabidly vegan she won't even listen to Fur Elise.

Just bought a child's workbench...
It's a Kony Playstation.

Just been thrown out of a Watch Repairs shop for staring at them while they worked.

What does my wife say after I use the Iron?
" OUCH"

My wife is organising a disco to raise money for water in Africa.
I don't know why, she could just have it at the village hall....

I sometimes think of myself as being like the canary down the mine.
The judge, however, thinks I'm a paedophile.

"Don't put your elbows on the table, it's rude",
...said one cannibal to the other.

I got slated for stealing rooftiles.

My girlfriend went weak at the knees when she saw me last night.
That's the last time I go for a spontaneous piggy-back.

I walked into an interview shouting,
"Water, water, I need some water! or I'll die"
It's important to make a good thirst impression.

I've learnt today to never judge a person who leaves clothes
outside charity shops,
until I've walked a mile in their shoes,

Police are looking for the owner of stolen prosthetic leg.
They're asking anyone with information to step forward.

Don't talk to me about plagiarism.
I mostly wrote the book on plagiarism.

My mates think i'm weird thinking Maid Marian in Robin Hood is quite fit.
And why wouldnt I, she's a fox.

I need to tell someone about my coconut touching fetish.
But I'm feeling a little shy.

A fat chick on a jetty.
Now THAT'S peir pressure.

If you hit someone with a dictionary, is it physical or verbal abuse?

'Roy Hodgson spends four hours talking to F.A.'
It should've only been an hour but they kept laughing everytime he mentioned WeferWees.

My alcoholic grandfather drank for England.
Until the national team was disbanded.

I pulled the wrapper off my Penguin today and I was just about to eat it, When I was tackled to the ground..
And thrown out of the Zoo.