My Goldfish keeps getting my name wrong.
Everytime I go up to the bowl it keeps shouting, "Bob"

My wife left me because of my obsession with fishing,
She'll always be the one that got away.................

I was just about to tweet what i was having for my dinner, then i remembered...
That i actually have a life.

I had the neighbour knock at the door today after my wife had died, tripping on one of her high heels and falling down the stairs.
"Oh, I've just heard the news," she said. "God bless her soul."
"I don't think it was down to the sole," I replied. "Let's just say god bless her shoe."

A new treatment is being tested that breaks down amyloids in the brain, the thing that causes Alzheimers.
If it works, we can forget about Alzheimers.

I had an argument with a Jamaican about who became U.S. president after Franklin Roosevelt. According to him, it was Eisenhower, but I didn't agree.
At the end he must have realised his mistake because he said: "it's Truman".

Peter came home to find Fairy liquid all over the kitchen sink.
Tinkerbell clearly hadn't taken his warnings about the blender seriously.

My wife come in today with no make up on and said, "Do I look ugly without my slap?"
"No love, you look beautiful as always, you're glowing!" I replied.
Bare faced lies.

Me: Apparently it's eating disorder awareness week.
My mate: Really
Me: Yh, my daughter brought it up at the dinner table

Doctor Octopus robbed a bank this morning...
Apparently he was well armed.

I just got employed as a human lie detector
The pays not great but at least I can make an honest buck

My fat wife came home from work all excited today claiming that she had lost 10 pounds in two days.
I replied "Yes, I know. I saw all the chocolate you bought."

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I kept telling people about her personal life.
But she's had trust issues ever since she found out she was adopted.

I've just bought a Dining table and chair set, in 30 easy weekly instalments,
This week they sent me a chair leg.

Tired of people talking about their iPhones?
There's a nap for that.

The irony for that woman on the tram is that this is probably the darkest point in her entire life.

It's better to have loved and lost than to have loved Lost.

I've just posted a clip of me sleeping onto Facebook.
It's an inbeded video.

I was standing about three yards away from my computer when I realised that the mouse was moving.
It was tickling my sphincter.

I've got no Faith in my broken George Michael CD.

Tidied up the house and put my Christmas decs away today.
No DJ'ing for me until December.

Wales v Costa Rica. Gary speed memorial match announced.
Well i am not hanging around to watch that.

Just bought myself a new Wall calender.
Doesn't match up to the Megan Fox one I got last year though.

To drive or not to drive.
That is the congestion.

I had a nervous break down yesterday.
I broke down in the middle of nowere and realised I had not renewed my AA cover.