I took a pheasant, a group of badgers and something to light a fire, to my local tennis club.
It was game, set and match.

My friend said that he couldn't stop climbing on things.
I said "Oh, come off it!".

I was going to build a Soup Kitchen for the Homeless.
But I realised it'd be better if I made it out of Bricks and Cement.

I was sacked from my role in Oliver Twist for refusing to stick to the script.
Need I say more?

There was a dead cat in our garden earlier so my son asked
"Dad why is the cat dead?"
"Curiosity killed the cat son," I replied "It came and investigated our garden whilst i was practicing with the shotgun."

My wife was furious after I invested in stocks for her.
"This was a much better idea than taking you to the cinema," I replied, as I threw another rancid tomato at her face.

I bought myself a Cheryl Cole fitness DVD a couple of weeks ago..... I've come along way since then.

John Terry starts at centre back.
Until Anton Ferdinand comes on the pitch and Terry takes up a right wing position.

I think I've lost my voice.
Having said that, I must be better now

phoned my boss to tell him i would not be working today as i have a problem with my my eyes.
"conjunctivitis?" my boss asked me
"no" i replied "I just can't see my self working"

Car salesmen are refreshingly honest these days. I went to an Audi dealer, and said I'd like to buy a car.
The dealer told me "Please have a Seat."

I just watched a film on how to dig a good grave.
I thought the plot was very good.

They say the devil is in the detail.
If thats the case,were's the v?

I was talking to a hardcore Christian the other day, who said she disapproved of CPR because "it repulses her."
Isn't that kind of the point?

The Police were investigating a burglary on my estate this afternoon. I think I might of upset them.
The officer came to my door and said "Can you tell me your movements this morning?".
"Yes. Loose ones, I shat myself at 8am" I replied.

My wife told me to turn the Tele on last night
So I told it how much I wanted it right now.

If there's one thing today's taught me it's that you don't learn something new everyday.

My wife said to me today, "I'm fed up of you throwing your weight around."
"This is the third gym we've been banned from this week"

Gravity is a law. Lawbreakers will be brought down!

Just witnessed my mate masturbating over broken bricks and stones.
Thought it was a bit odd
Then I remembered he had said he was always saying he was into a bit of hardcore.

Earlier this afternoon, I employed a gardener called Anita Bush.

The interview was going well till she asked me to show her my Testimonials. I misunderstood

How do you get to the top of FIFA?
You have to climb a Sepp Blatter.

My building firm has been accused of gross negligence in constructing a block of flats that later collapsed.
I think it's entirely without foundation.

Being a cobbler in Hollywood, I sometimes have to tailor-make shoes for celebrities.
These boots were made for Walken.