My friend told me that he was going to a costume party dressed as a large Italian island...
I replied to him "Don't be Siscily"

I was walking through a forest last week with my wife when suddenly she disappeared.
She was missing for a few hours so i decided to call the police.
"How long did you spend looking for her?" Asked the policeman.
"You have got to be joking." I replied "I don't beat about the bush."

2 blokes in the pub having a conversation about growing potatoes... Talking chit again!

"Dad,the kids at school keep making fun of me because I don't know what Hands me downs means."
"Son,I was once in your shoes."

Tried to help my daughter with a science project, but wound up making a big meth.

Hit-and-run drivers.
Use them for playing speed-golf.

I used to meet a lot of people back when I worked in the underwear department. Now I'm in charge of shirts, and it is lonely at the tops.

I'm sick and tired of working in this BBQ chicken factory.
It's time for me to spread my wings.

I used to think that 'stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.'
At least I did until I fell into a printing press.

The Italian government have proposed to reproduce the Leaning Tower of Pisa at sea. But reports say that in this economic climate it will Costa too much.

My wife said she loves my new job as a zoo vet, but she always insults the animals I'm working with
She's so hippo critical

My wife said she loves my new job as a zoo vet, but she always insults the animals I'm working with
She's so hippo critical

BBC HEADLINE 'Amir Kahn gives WBA rematch reasons'
When is he going to realise that West Brom just aren't good enough to beat Tottenham...

I've just released a herpes-scented deodorant.
It's called "Jersey Sure".

I just made a scab on my arm bleed, from scratch.

I hate it when people say "Think about it".
What's there to think about it's just a two letter word.

People only come in to my shop to get out of the rain!
I hate working at 'Shelter'.

I can't be dealing with these Blackjack card counters.

50% of British adults have never been for an eye test.
They didn't see the point.

I've had to come home because I got a paper-cut whilst working in a casino, I just couldn't deal with it.

A homeless man with a split in his skull just asked me for money. I didn't give him any because he was a crackhead.

I keep having nightmares about scales and I'm really worried.
It's weighing heavy on my mind.

"You will meet a woman called Claire."
"You said that to the last bloke. And the five before him."
"Well, yeah. I'm clairevoyant."

After thinking for years on end I finally came to the conclusion
It takes me a long time to think.

I used to have a Cuban accountant.
But I caught him on the Fidel.