My short term memory has gone to pot..

I'm cooking Christmas dinner with the wife this year.
I know turkey is more traditional, but I'm sure she'll taste alright.

I'm in a hip hop group called the Parsnips, we never forget our roots.

I used to have a Cuban accountant.
But I caught him on the Fidel.

After thinking for years on end I finally came to the conclusion
It takes me a long time to think.

"You will meet a woman called Claire."
"You said that to the last bloke. And the five before him."
"Well, yeah. I'm clairevoyant."

I keep having nightmares about scales and I'm really worried.
It's weighing heavy on my mind.

A homeless man with a split in his skull just asked me for money. I didn't give him any because he was a crackhead.

I've had to come home because I got a paper-cut whilst working in a casino, I just couldn't deal with it.

50% of British adults have never been for an eye test.
They didn't see the point.

I can't be dealing with these Blackjack card counters.

People only come in to my shop to get out of the rain!
I hate working at 'Shelter'.

I hate it when people say "Think about it".
What's there to think about it's just a two letter word.

I just made a scab on my arm bleed, from scratch.

I've just released a herpes-scented deodorant.
It's called "Jersey Sure".

BBC HEADLINE 'Amir Kahn gives WBA rematch reasons'
When is he going to realise that West Brom just aren't good enough to beat Tottenham...

My wife said she loves my new job as a zoo vet, but she always insults the animals I'm working with
She's so hippo critical

My wife said she loves my new job as a zoo vet, but she always insults the animals I'm working with
She's so hippo critical

The Italian government have proposed to reproduce the Leaning Tower of Pisa at sea. But reports say that in this economic climate it will Costa too much.

I used to think that 'stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.'
At least I did until I fell into a printing press.

I'm sick and tired of working in this BBQ chicken factory.
It's time for me to spread my wings.

I used to meet a lot of people back when I worked in the underwear department. Now I'm in charge of shirts, and it is lonely at the tops.

Hit-and-run drivers.
Use them for playing speed-golf.

Tried to help my daughter with a science project, but wound up making a big meth.

"Dad,the kids at school keep making fun of me because I don't know what Hands me downs means."
"Son,I was once in your shoes."