MSN News: "Paralympic cyclist in hit and run".
Yeah, rub it in, why don't you?

When I got into the office this morning I saw several long sticks had been placed in the boardroom.
It must be a staff meeting.

I was talking to my chinese friend the other day, and for some reason he likes to set everyone up on dates. he said-
'ah, i know very good girl, very successful, she sell farms.'
why on earth would I want to to go out with someone who does that to themselves?

Just seen a homeless bloke climbing Big Ben with his dog.
Crowds to see ciderman are crazy.

I came runner-up at the religious-themed fancy dress contest. My costume was second to nun.

After watching a DVD, my daughter turned to me,
mouth open, trembling, and tear's streaming down her face and said,
"No daddy, I wanted a seesaw".

I saw a lemon and a lime having a fight today.
They seemed like bitter rivals.

You know how your mother always used to tell you to "break in new shoes"?
Yeah well, I think the people who rioted in London last month took that term a little loosely.

I am currently in a coma.
If you guys want to join me, knock yourselves out.

Luca Modric is a bit down at the moment because of the whole 'wanting to leave Tottenham' saga and it's my job to keep his spirits up and energise him.... After all i am Luca's aide.

Just downloaded a new task manager on my phone. It's a task manager to end all task managers.

Not slipping in an IVF clinic is a simple case of mind ova matter.

I'm auditioning for my head double, but only asking epileptics. I want to make sure the face fits.

My mate told me a new book has been published on gullibleness.
I almost bought it.

My electrified door's great. You can't knock it.

What is a chav's favorite flowers?
Ya get me nots.

I was walking through a building site earlier when I saw a sign that said "Hard hats must be worn at all times". I thought "Why?"
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was arrested for selling black market coolants.
I'm currently freon bail.

I went to see The Smurfs today.
It totally blue my mind....

This morning I walked past an eight foot tall Eastern European lifting a heavy load onto a first floor balcony so I went,"Ukraine?"

Just heard about a woman who killed herself using a carrier bag over the head.
That bag for life didn't last too long then?

I dont know about you guys but With the ability to spell difficult words such as connoisseur, manoeuvre and conscientiously,
I'm seriously thinking about entering a spelling competishon.

I was with my mate in a shop the other day and he picked up a really flashy ring.
I said to him that he wouldn't pull it off, he put on anyway.
A week later and it's still on.

I have a claim to Fame.
I wrote the theme tune to the movie.

I applied for a place at the fishermans school of excellence last week but it was refused as I was in the wrong catchment area.