My mate's just formed a band called 'Mechanical wave that is an oscillation of pressure transmitted through a solid, liquid, or gas, composed of frequencies within the range of hearing and of a level sufficiently strong to be heard, or the sensation stimulated in organs of hearing by such vibrations.'
He thinks the name's too long but I think it's sound.

I just want to make it clear, I want to be a window-cleaner.

My mate gave up his job to become a naked prospector.
It was all a flash in the pan.

My girlfriend told me she was taking vitamins.
"B complex?" I asked.
"What is life really all about ?" she replied, then started to cry.

As I walked through our local forest, I found that an area had been cleared of trees and a gigantic eagle's nest had been built in the exact center.
It was eyrie.

NEWS-"Knox killed room-mate"
....if only they'd had a spare key...

I don't get all the hate for chubby chasers.
Some of us just prefer performing under pressure.

A man said to me, "so whats your job?".
"A grave digger" I replied.
"How'd you get into that" he said.
"With a shovel".

As a train conductor, I spend most days walking up and down the train, punching tickets.
I shouldn't do it really, but I get annoyed when people wave their tickets in my face. Makes me want to hit things.

I have a claim to Fame.
I wrote the theme tune to the movie.

I applied for a place at the fishermans school of excellence last week but it was refused as I was in the wrong catchment area.

A new pub has opened up down the road from called The Prince Albert
it's full of studs

Now that Norwich City have been promoted, all the other premier league teams will need to modify their stadium seating areas -
to provide 'extra leg' room.

I've just taken up fly fishing.
I'm not very good, I think I need a bigger mosquito net.

I gained 3 pounds this week,
I must have the worst paid job in England.

People tell me I have a pessimistic view of incest.
It must be the dad in me.

I watched the Jewish version of The Untouchables yesterday...
Just 2 hours of CCTV footage watching pigs.

If Phileas Fogg told me he would be going round the world in 80 days in a hot air balloon I would have told him he had his head in the clouds.

I wish females would have a quiet period every once in a while.

'Rare' Youtube footage - then how am I watching you?

'Rare' Youtube footage - then how am I watching you?

Whats a lesbians favourite fruit?
Mango

I think it's possible to relate to mirrors.
Or is it just me.

Today I was cooking bangers on the barbie.
Needless to say my daughter wasn't too happy about it, that's the third one this week.

Some people think I'm gonna keep them up to date on current affairs,
Well have I got news for you