I've been stamping on flatfish with my platform shoes on, alone.
It's sole destroying on so many levels.

People always look at me weird when i start talking to the fruit in supermarkets.
I just like keeping up to date on currant affairs.

A lot of people have names that fit quite nicely, my friend Eg, for example.

I'd really like to accept my wife's portrait sculpture of me, but I'd hate to get a head of myself.

I've given up honey production to form a Monkee's tribute band.
Now I'm a bee leaver.

Petshops -
Can you return a carrier pigeon?

I was trying to chat up this girl at a bar last night. 'My mates call me Sugar,' I said, introducing myself.
'Let me guess,' she said. 'Because you're sweet? Because you're white? Because you're highly refined?'
'No,' I said, 'because I come in lumps.'

I might study something at a university that someone once told me about.
There is a degree of ambiguity there.

I've heard the banquet at the Royal Wedding will be fabulous ... and I bet William's really looking forward to having a go at the Kate ring.

Fulham statue of Michael Jackson erected. Isn't that a bit naughty?

Sky Sports Breaking News: Cesc Fabregas Unhurt After Minor Car Crash.
Yeah, the clutches on those old Morris Minors can be tricky sometimes.

My mates told me I suck at pessimism...
but maybe I will be better at it tomorrow.

They say that Clovers with 4 leaves are good luck...
Mine just ruined my toast.

I had a few drinks in the Irish Rover last night.
Apparently it doesn't make a difference where the car is from, I'm still not allowed to drink drive.

does anyone else see the irony of a blind person in ICU?

There's a new Lynx Deodorant based on the scent of Pythagoras.
Even Angles will fall.

Professional Dominoes players... they're just trying to make ends meet

walking through Liverpool city centre today and its like a ghost town.
I think they have taken this boycott of the sun way too serious.

My son has started playing in the green house.
I suspect he'll soon grow out of it.

My wife just gave me a headjob. It was good, but I told her that it wasn't as good as her sister's.
Man, did she give me a mouthful.

My dad's always eating the legs off of flying insects.
He says it's the bees knees.

My mouth connects at both ends.
Smiles all round.

I took a few minutes off from serving in a restaurant to make a phone call.
I got the message, "The person at the other end knows that you are waiting."
Spooky.

Rigt then
Wait.. That isn't right.

Did you hear about the squirrel that suffered an unexpected castration?
He couldn't find his nuts.