I was on the street. This guy waved to me, then came up to me and said, "Im sorry, I thought you were someone else."
I said, "I am."

I had a woman scream at me earlier for streaking when I was cleaning her windows.
She wanted them cleaned properly.

I saw a bunch of comedians sponsored by Stella the other day...
...some hits some missus...

I'm sure I've just seen that Alistair McGowan in hospital, suffering from anemia.
Although, it might have been a pale imitation.

Killing geese to make pillows makes me feel down.

The new African girl at my school is really spotty.
Or as I like to call it - blackne.

My mum gave birth to me by C-section so my father could see me before leaving for the Falklands.
People always say I was cut out for the military.

I was sitting in a cafe talking to a man who used to constantly equal my 100 metre sprint record
I remember the good times we used to share

I was in a lecture the other day falling asleep, when some guy shouted "Wake up!"
I immediately awoke and carried on delivering my presentation.

I was battering a fish when I thought,
"Surely this is animal cruelty"

I don't like using the the forum of the 'we love sewing materials' website.
Too many threads.

Poor little Natsuki has to walk five miles a day with a bucket of water on her head.
Just five pounds a month would help pay for a bigger bucket to help bail her out.

I recently bought one of those Viera 3D TV's.
The screen is much blacker than on the Bergkamp and Pires models

I always thought my diarrhea was a secret.
Then it leaked.

Me and the wife were down the pub when she told me to put our baby in the highchair.
Silly cow, I put him on the biggest stool I could find and he fell flat on his face.

I was up the pub having a chat with my mate yesterday and i said, "i think these days, people's views are swayed by the opinions of others far too easily!"
"I'm not sure i agree with you there mate." he said
"yeah i suppose you're right" i replied

A cross dresser just got run over out side my house.
What a drag.

Just remember: A minor is most likely to B flat.

To maintain my standards I spend at least two hours a day working out.
Im not in good shape or anyting, Im just really bad at maths.

I've just heard they're remaking the fourth Damien film.
That's not a good Omen.

I don't want to tar all Asians with the same brush.
But that would save me a lot of money on brushes

Last night I dropped my girlfriend off at her apartment.
She was never gonna survive that 27 floor fall.

I stood in WHSmith this morning, and just took stock of my surroundings.
According to security, this is shoplifting.

I was unable to get on and submit for 5 hours today, due to the crash.
My wife was declared dead a short while ago, but at least the car's drivable.

I love my girlfriend more each day
Since I started to increase the dosage, it's taking her longer and longer to wake up and realise what I am doing