Me and my mate are constantly fighting over who's silkworm is the best so tonight we're gonna have a spin off.

I lost my mobile so I retraced my steps.
It didn't help, I ran out of paper half way up.

Why do Moon rocks taste better than Earth rocks?
Because they're a little meteor.

I went round Mark Knopfler's house the other day, and I was stood admiring a painting on his wall. He told me if I liked it that much then I could keep it!
Amazing that
Monet for Nothing

I decided to return some swimming shorts today...
They must be broken, they only floated when I put them in some water.

My pet octopus has given birth. It was a surprise as we didn't even know she was pregnant.
But we had an inkling.

I got a tattoo of an anchor on my chest today.
I just love Andy Gray's sense of humor.

I like my girls with nothing on but the hoover.

I held up a bank today.
It was heavy

Charades isn't what it's made out to be

Don't know what all the fuss is about, now i've turned fifty
my wiki leaks every night

I can't believe it. My first day working as a Santa and they gave me the sack.

Change the way you feel................use the backs of your fingers

What would you rather be...
Or a wasp?

I was dragging my son around Asda earlier.
I started with a dress, then finished on the make-up.

The butcher in Derby has just brought out a new product,
Stuffed ram.

Laughing gas.....
I thought something smelt funny

I've started dating a young female photographer. Its early days yet so let's see what develops.

BBC News: Homeless man murdered by Gang at a bustop.
Poor guy.

I was told it was traditional to wet the babys head by having a few beers.
Little lightweight puked on his first pint.

Two Pheasants are having a chat. One says "fancy being chased into the sky by dogs and then being shot at?" the other says "Only if you're game".

My wife has told me to stop taking everything literally.
She can talk.

I thought that the moon may have be a nice place to visit, but it lacks atmosphere.

I was thrown off a Ryanair flight today.
I think they've taken these cut-backs a bit too far.

When i was on holiday i thought about getting my mate a souvenir made of a blue adhesive material.
But i decided against it as i thought it was a bit tacky.