My mate said he's got a new job, but all he does is sit at a computer all day every day.
Is that I.T?

My Venus fly trap eats anything from plastic to tin and turns it into toys.
It's a recycling plant.

These 2 men were irritating me today, telling me to remove my trousers.
So I took them down.

My wife asked if she could get the landscape gardeners in.
I said," No way."
She said," Why?"
I said," Because you've already got the milkman, the postman and me in, so there's no spare holes."

I don't believe in Athiesm.

I had to buy a belt sander - I couldn't quite get the leather through the little loops on my jeans.

A man who contracted an infection from fetid yoghurt has been given an unusual cure. He has to sit in a bath of fresh low-fat yoghurt to fight off the bacteria.
Doctors say that he's in good shape.

I took my nan for a pleasant boating trip around the lake today in a row boat.
She kept shouting 'Stroke, stroke, stroke!'.
'I'm going as fast as I can, nan, shut up!', I told her.
It was only when the left hand side of her face dropped I realised she was having one.

I've just started working in the local snooker cue factory.
The pays nothing special, but we make some great tips.

BBC News: Laptop driver stopped by police.
Stephen Hawkings by any chance?

Daylight savings.
I won't lose any sleep over it...

A bloke approached me in the pub and offered me the chance to be cloned for 1,000.
I thought: "Someone's trying to dupe me."

As one door closes, another door opens.
I hate being a door to door salesman.

Since I started earning some money, people have been pestering me for help.
This job at Samaritans is more trouble then it's worth.

I just walked past a tramp on the way to the gym..
'Change Please' he kept saying..i felt sorry for him so i took my suit off and got into my gym kit.

There is a designated area in my workplace which contains eyewash and patches in case of accidents with the chemicals we use.
I thought, "That's a site for sore eyes."

Revision - Everytime I do it it feels like I seen it all before.

i told my mate that stainless steel was in the periodic table, but it was alloy.

I went to a vending machine in the university's maths department and bought an 'x bar'.
It was average.

My friend wont stop going on about his neurological disease, it's all M.E, M.E, M.E.

I told a priest a joke about paedophilia, it went down like a lead balloon.
Really well.

I have a piece of wood attached to my wall that i kept all my Dusty Springfield records on but
now that i've sold all my records,
i just don't know what to do with my shelf.

I always have a proper blast at work.
Until they sacked me from the bomb squad.

My fleshlight arrived in the post today...
Neighbours complained about seeing my mail genitalia.

Apparently, the House of Commons only has one speaker...
You'd have thought in this day and age they'd at least have Dolby Surround Sound!