My mate said he's got a new job, but all he does is sit at a computer all day every day.
Is that I.T?

My Venus fly trap eats anything from plastic to tin and turns it into toys.
It's a recycling plant.

These 2 men were irritating me today, telling me to remove my trousers.
So I took them down.

My wife asked if she could get the landscape gardeners in.
I said," No way."
She said," Why?"
I said," Because you've already got the milkman, the postman and me in, so there's no spare holes."

I don't believe in Athiesm.

I had to buy a belt sander - I couldn't quite get the leather through the little loops on my jeans.

A man who contracted an infection from fetid yoghurt has been given an unusual cure. He has to sit in a bath of fresh low-fat yoghurt to fight off the bacteria.
Doctors say that he's in good shape.

I took my nan for a pleasant boating trip around the lake today in a row boat.
She kept shouting 'Stroke, stroke, stroke!'.
'I'm going as fast as I can, nan, shut up!', I told her.
It was only when the left hand side of her face dropped I realised she was having one.

I've just started working in the local snooker cue factory.
The pays nothing special, but we make some great tips.

BBC News: Laptop driver stopped by police.
Stephen Hawkings by any chance?

Daylight savings.
I won't lose any sleep over it...

A bloke approached me in the pub and offered me the chance to be cloned for 1,000.
I thought: "Someone's trying to dupe me."

As one door closes, another door opens.
I hate being a door to door salesman.

Since I started earning some money, people have been pestering me for help.
This job at Samaritans is more trouble then it's worth.

I just walked past a tramp on the way to the gym..
'Change Please' he kept saying..i felt sorry for him so i took my suit off and got into my gym kit.

There is a designated area in my workplace which contains eyewash and patches in case of accidents with the chemicals we use.
I thought, "That's a site for sore eyes."

Revision - Everytime I do it it feels like I seen it all before.

i told my mate that stainless steel was in the periodic table, but it was alloy.

I went to a vending machine in the university's maths department and bought an 'x bar'.
It was average.

My friend wont stop going on about his neurological disease, it's all M.E, M.E, M.E.

I told a priest a joke about paedophilia, it went down like a lead balloon.
Really well.

My wife lost her wedding ring the other day and described it as the most "mysterious disappearance she'd ever known".
I take it she's never heard of the Frosties kid.

I ran around electrocuting all of the immigrants in town today,
It was such a culture shock.

I'm so lonely these days that I wouldn't even say no to being held at gunpoint.

Sky News: Children Left In Limbo Over Care Decisions
That's not going to keep them safe being bent over like that, it's practically an invitation!