Sky News: Dad Pedals Round Europe To Find His Son.
There's a tip for the McCanns, sell drugs if you want to find Maddie?

They say empty cans make the most noise.
With their constant begging I think it's Africans.

My wife lost her wedding ring the other day and described it as the most "mysterious disappearance she'd ever known".
I take it she's never heard of the Frosties kid.

I ran around electrocuting all of the immigrants in town today,
It was such a culture shock.

I'm so lonely these days that I wouldn't even say no to being held at gunpoint.

Sky News: Children Left In Limbo Over Care Decisions
That's not going to keep them safe being bent over like that, it's practically an invitation!

I never thought TV violence was a big problem until one of them stamped on me in their high heels.

What a beautiful morning... The sun is shining, birds are twittering...
How they got computers into their nests I'll never know...

I could read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I know a bloke who is seeing the most ugly barf you could ever imagine. He lives on a farm and keeps bees and sells honey. Everyone keeps telling him to go and meet a half-decent looking bird but he insists he loves her.
I guess beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

I think the media have wheelie bin unfair to this cat woman.

There are two types of art dealers; those that are in it for the love and then there's a bunch of Londoners who are only in it for the Manet.

What's the difference between Chelsea and Man united?
I didn't get a restraining order for following United.

I cooked an Italian meal but it didn't taste right and I blame the herbs.
I think it was faulty basil.

I can't wait for Apple to release the new gizmo for luring kids, the iCandy.

My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop talking in code.
"Perhaps I Should Say One Forbids Freedom." I replied

I've developed a cure for cancer.
If you can forget about what it is that you're eating then it actually tastes a lot like bacon.

'MC Battles'
Just another example of black on black rhyme.

I watch Loose Women every day.
These new binoculars are great.

I've just developed a mathematical equation which when fed into a computer taps out the names of American presidential candidates in Morse code.
It's working well, I'm very pleased with the al-gore-rhythm.

My wifes death involved a certain amount of irony,
four letters to precise - I caved her skull in with an iron.

Sky News: Susan Boyle set to perform for the Pope
Thats just sick?

One of my mates is a real stand up sort of guy.
He's got piles.

You never know what's coming round the corner in South Africa,
until it hits you.

BBC News: Prince visits gun rampage county
It's a shame he didn't visit last week with Camilla,they would have had a blast?