I saw the Williams sisters knocking up at Wimbledon yesterday .... they were brilliant at hitting the ball without it bouncing ...
The best Volleywogs I've ever seen

I used to love my job artificially inseminating animals at the zoo.
But now I couldn't give a monkey's toss.

I watched an Asian lad get a right leathering by 3 youths today, each using an end bit of water tube ...
I was enjoying it that much, I forgot to remind them about a hosepipe ban

Just talked to the doctor about my crippling leg injury. An amputation is afoot...

I've just vomited on my fitness instructor.
I'm always sick on coaches.

Earlier today I walked through an estate where everyone was dressed like Biggles.
Must be a pilot scheme.

The BBC asks 'Are we looking forward to the Olympics?' ... you have to think about cutbacks, especially the Special Olympics ...
Perhaps cancel the high jump, as I don't think they will get it off the ground.

I laid on a picnic for my girlfriend.
It completely ruined the sandwiches.

So i made a new book about herbal spiritualism, and a bunch of stoners already made a religion about it.
They call it Bud-ism

I was watching the Sky the other night, trying to spot anything extraordinary really.
To my astonishment I was almost sure I'd seen a black hole!
Thank you channel 906

You have to shorten a Caucasian to get an Asian.

Getting a puncture on top of a hill is the highest form of flattery.

The girl who works down my local abattoir is stunning!

I love the way garages leave black buckets outside for your dead flowers.

My wife is leaving me tomorrow because she is creeped out by my psychic powers.

"Your handwriting is terrible."
Was just one of the reasons I lost my job at the tattoo parlour.

I was listening to my grandfather's favorite record when the player fell off the table and smashed.
I'm not going to hear the end of it.

I've been feeling down all evening...
I think my duvet has split.

I've just seen the 10,000m final...
Looks like Mr Farah was running in fast Mo.

The invisible man marries the invisible woman.
Their kids were nothing to look at either.

When we got divorced my wife took me to the cleaners.
I'm still not sure why we couldn't go to court like everyone else.

Cuba:
It's a pro-Castro nation.

I actually tried plane sailing the other day....
It's not as easy as it's made out to be.

enrolled in parachute school the other week, unfortunately i had to drop out

What do you do if you see a fireman?
Put it out man