I'm planning on opening a shop called Chasm.
It's going to be like GAP, just much bigger.

My missus is a bit of a ringer for Victoria Beckham. The other day we were in bed together and she asked me to finger her.
So I told the police she was responsible for abducting Maddie.

Who likes rhetorical questions anyway?...

Whenever the comedian Louis C.K. performs for Hispanic audiences, he's introduced as "Louis Yes.What."

After winning the Childhood Game Awards, my mate was asked to give a speech.
"We came, we saw, we conkered" he said.

My girlfriend complains she never comes first with me
I think someone takes go-karting a bit seriously

After receiving a very persuasive e-mail, I've started on the African Prince diet.
I've lost 1,000 pounds already.

Obese birds who like both men and women are very insecure,by and large.

P. Swayze. He's missing atrick.

I just found out my girlfriend has a huge collection of bees.
She's a keeper.

I was lying there with my wife this morning.
I told her that I loved her.

My wife has left me because she thinks that I am both racist and childish.
I don't get her problem, I AM the White Power ranger after all.

There is no "I" in TEAM, but there is an "M" and an "E"

Some people say that, at 53, Madonna is pushing herself too far with the dance routines on her world tour.
I disagree. She's as tough as old boot.

I'll bet that guy who invented the Heimlich maneuver to save people from choking gets a lot of pats on the back.

To all those people in Third World countries that are ill through lack of water....
Hope you get well soon.

Out of nowhere my mate nominated me to say a few words at his brother's wedding.
I was speechless.

My local butcher's shop has a sign saying, "Back Bacon."
This betting advertising is getting out of hand.

A man has been arrested for smuggling hay.
He's been released on bale.

My mate came up to me and said 'I hate interpreters'
'Speak for yourself' I replied

I was in a state of panic when my wife told me we were going to see "The Nutcracker" again
I just hope she isn't wearing steel toe caps this time.

I'm lost with out my mobile.
In a desert somwhere.

"I'm wearing black and carrying a scythe." - a Death sentence

'Did you just get run over?' someone asked earlier.
'Yes,' I replied flatly.

After winning the klepto archery tournament I took a well-deserved bow.