I cooked an exotic curry recipe for dinner last night, but when I sat down to eat it I couldn't find it.
It was a Korma Chameleon.

Last night i said to my wife that there is an Elvis song, that whenever i hear it i think of her.
"How sweet" she replied "Is it always on my mind?"
"No" i replied "It's hound dog".

I have a way with the ladies.
So far I've kidnapped fifteen.

Being a historical artist is a real drawback.

I went to work on a trawler and on the 1st day I caught three mackerel. The guy next to me caught 3000 so I asked him, "Is this net working?" "No," he said, "It's fishing."

Did pretty well on the scavenger hunt.
Shot three scavengers.

I attended a fund-raising banquet for diabetic Kurdish refugees and was hugely disappointed not to find any Turkish Delight.

Someone's been stealing from my Charles Bronson collection.
Whoever it is, he's got a death wish.

Predictive text really gets my toga.

I wanted to send a picture to my girlfriend of me in my gimp suit.
Everyone in the post office kept staring so I just went home.

'Movie to be made about recently engaged dead marathon runner'.
It's going to be called 'No Weddings and a Funeral'.

I got all excited when the wife told me she was going commando tonight.
It sounded great, until she smashed the shed window with a smoke grenade and released all my hostages.

In the short run, Warwick Davis was a close second behind Mini Me.

A Blonde phones a Carpenter and says "Hi could you make me a box 50ft long and 3 inches wide"
The Carpenter says "Yeah, but if you don't mind me asking, what do you want it for?"
The Blonde says "I'm moving out after divorcing my husband, And he said I can take the garden hose".

Women, if you eat out by yourself
I'd like to join you,
you're very flexible.

Just been down the supermarket to buy some hot chocolate.
Not a lot of Options really.

Just been down the supermarket to buy some hot chocolate.
Not a lot of Options really.

So i hear that Vaclav Havel died in his sleep last night.
I guess no-one bothered to Czech up on him.

I always carry a larger dictionary - for better muscle definition.

Police knew 5 of us were involved in the Burrito shop robbery.
However, I took the wrap.

My wife was giving me grief in the kitchen so I threw jelly custard and cream over her.
She knows I'm not to be trifled with.

BBC News: 'Brighton paedophile jailed for nine years'
It was his own fault, he should have known that his actions would have noncequences.

I have an altar-ego.
We're exactly the same, except he hangs around at the front of churches.

"We've inherited all of these problems from Labour!"
"Honestly, dear. That's no way to talk about the children."

Just trying out the lump of flattened cardboard I got from my parents for Christmas. Still don't see what all the fuss is about these ex-boxes.