2 blokes in the pub having a conversation about growing potatoes... Talking chit again!

I was walking through a forest last week with my wife when suddenly she disappeared.
She was missing for a few hours so i decided to call the police.
"How long did you spend looking for her?" Asked the policeman.
"You have got to be joking." I replied "I don't beat about the bush."

My friend told me that he was going to a costume party dressed as a large Italian island...
I replied to him "Don't be Siscily"

I have always admired my great-great-great-great grandfather, he lived through something twice as big as 911, which lasted for 12 entire months, involving billions of people, and a time so famous that anybody could tell you the exact year it happened...
1822.

I have a job selling hydrogen balloons.
It's been an explosive career.

I hung up on a snowman the other day. I don't like cold callers.

I knocked over a lovely cool pint of lager at the Trekkie Convention.
That hit the Spock.

What do you call a girl living in the playboy mansion in the Czech Republic?
Czechmate.

I recently registered on the forums of the Royal Society of Spoonerists and now really wish I hadn't.
What a cunch of bunts.

met my best mate at an arsonist anonymous meeting
we got on like a house on fire.

I ordered a dessert in a restaurant the other day, and the waiter came out with the side of a wagon. I said "No no - Carte D'or".

I recently took over a remote african tribes football team to try and improve there fortunes.
Its not going to be an easy task though.
There's a lot of clicks.

I'd give my right arm,
To be a juggler.

I want to go into a balloon store and threaten to blow the whole place up!

I'm hosting a panel show later.
It's about fencing.

I'm giving away solar powered mobile phones.
No charge.

After twenty years of research and hard work, I have finally perfected my tractor beam.
Now I have no idea what to do with all these tractors...

I love listening to hospital radio.
They play all the sick tunes.

Running my own lighting shop is quite difficult at times.
There are a lot of overheads.

My job interview didn't go well yesterday.
When asked, "What do I see myself doing in 10 years time?" my mind just went blank.
I really fancied being a psychic as well.

If I just run next door and take my neighbour's ladder, he's sure to notice.
I'm going to have to take it one step at a time.

If I was a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

My vegetarian mate broke up with his girlfriend the other day.
I told him "Don't worry, there's plenty more vegetables in the coma ward."

My wife nearly broke up with me today, claiming I use catchphrases too often.
I just stood there and yelled out, "Just do it!"

I bought a car that had been tuned up by a movie editor.
I took it for a test drive and it went like the clappers.