I found out my best mate and I have been seeing each others girlfriends.
Its fair to say we were exchanging blows.

I went for a job as a survey taker. Sadly, I didn't tick the right boxes.

I saw two council road sweepers getting off with each other in the street last night.
I told them to get a broom.

My girlfriend hates me spooning her.
I can't help it, I love the taste.

To say I am the lowest of the low would be an understatement.

I was so hungry yesterday, I was eating my mushroom soup like there was no tomato

My girlfriend got home today and said, "Why have you got your arms folded?"
"Because I trapped them in a mangle," I replied. "They're 16ft long if I don't keep them neat."

What do you call a cow missing two legs?
Lean beef

Just got a text inviting me to the local nudist club.
"Why not," I thought, "I haven't got anything on."

Men are like spray paint. One squeeze and they're all over you.

I tried to open some vowels and climb inside them, but it was dangerous.
Ended up in A&E.

I've started a GPS repair business.
So if your TomTom's knackered, you know where to find me.

Which famous American linguist also ate short people?
Noam Chompsky.

I've been playing Guitar for two years, two weeks and 5 days.
I should probably stop and have a rest.

A man phoned me earlier asking how much it'd be to rent my factory to start his cheap artificial leg business.
I said, "I charge by the square foot."
"So do I," he replied. "That's why they're cheap."

I just got back from my interview at the gynecology department.
I didn't go down well.

I have just heard a digger rapping.
Must have been a JAY-Z-B

I've a serious fear of misdirection.
But then again, that's neither here nor there.

I was on a bandit in the pub last night...
He then pushed me off and carried on robbing the place.

I find it utterly abhorant when quotations are attributed to the wrong person. It not only cheapens the the impact of the quote, but it takes something from us all as humans and leaves us poorer as a race of beings - Wayne Rooney.

I've started dating a woman who shares my interest in headware...
We have a love hat relationship.

Why are mirrors racist?
They fail to give black people a fair reflection.

I saw Rachel Riley at an orgy last night
It's not the first time I've seen her working with six large ones

My wife's got a new job with a home delivery company, but she's struggling with its demands.
'You really have to drive yourself to do it,' I said.

I was going to tell a joke about procrastination, but I suppose it can wait...