I was shown a molecular level diagram earlier but couldn't see any of the particles.
I swear I was looking right atom.

Everywhere I've been today people have been wearing shirts with "#" on them.
It appears to be trending worldwide.

Every now and then my wife prepares me a lip-smacking meal.
It's so bad I punch her in the mouth.

I don't like to cherry pick, but I want the thirteen year old Asian girl standing second from the left.

I'm in a band called Metamorphic...
We're a rock group.

Did I enjoy my time as a roadie with Gwen Stefani's band?
No doubt.

I saw a homeless man the other day shouting "big issues, big issues!"
So I took off my size 13 trainers and handed them to him

As I sped away in the stolen car, I lost control and crashed right in the middle of a bunch of trees.
I looked out of the window and new that I had to give up.
I was surrounded by the copse.

A vector goes to drug counselling to get help for his linear dependency ...

I used to collect crash mats. I don't anymore, but at least I have something to fall back on.

I don't like blind jokes.
I don't see what's so funny.

I had a knock at my door today and when i answered, the Postman was stood there.
"Can you sign for this parcel mate"he said
I replied "Err, ok but i only know thank you and apple"

If only there was a modern technique for removing the h from the word "hairbrush".

I've just broke up with Annie lennox after 20 years
She just kept asking why?

A muslim woman tried telling me subtly that she does not like me...
It was thinly veiled

After my restaurant was plagued by vermin I called in pest control.
But they told me that they didn't usually exterminate chavs.

What kind of murderer has moral fibre?
A cereal killer.

My security team are disappointed in me because I wasn't paying attention.
I really let my guard down.

I invented a money printing fridge.
Made a cool 200 million.

I saw this guy wearing a T-shirt which read "50 today!"
"He's showing his age" I thought

I've just seen an antiques enthusiast asking for a babies crib...
It must have been Tim Wonnacott

The ref gave me a booking today.
Left some pretty bad bruises, especially when he used the novels.

Looks like England are still the reigning champions when it come to the weather forecast.

My wife asked me to dazzle her!
So I waited till she was driving and she crashed in to a wall.

I could hear my wife in the bathroom earlier and all she kept saying was "E A I U O"
I think she was having a vowel movement.