I was watching the wire last night.
It was more entertaining than what was on the telly connected to it.

I made an example of myself at the deed poll office today.
I changed my name to Eg.

I was looking up skirts in the library today.
Afterwards, I returned the dictionary.

Q; What's worse than having toothache?
A: Gary glitter giving you a filling

I've never had very good leadership skills.
Which is probably why a Labrador is my supervisor.

I had a sign created for my new repair shop, 'Fancy Parts'. Unfortunately, there was a miscommunication and the sign I got back read 'Farty Pants'.
To make matters worse, my son was crushed to death in the riots. Still, at least they took the sign.

My daughter is so much like my late wife.
Never on time

I realised that I'm tired of walking everywhere.
At the first opportunity, I hopped on a bus.
Tommorrow I'm going to skip to work.

Just been for my first blood test, the nurse was really struggling to find a vein in my elbow, she gave up in the end and got the back of my hand.
I've been arrested and I never got the blood test.

It has been quoted that "The Face of London is very dirty right now."
Yes, that's true, it certainly has a lot of blackheads at the moment.

I was standing outside a bar smoking last night when a policeman grabbed me by the leg, dragged me to his car and told me I was under arrest.
"You can't drag me along like this!"
"I'm only pulling your leg, mate!"

Do I spend all day thinking of string tied upon itself?
I think knot.

After crashing my car into a wall i had no choice but to call the AA
I decided i have to stop drink driving

I made a joke nine months ago, my son.

What do call an Irish dog lover?
Pat McColly

A woman came in to my clinic with a nasty gash today.
I expected that, being a gynocologist.

Two Eskimos have gone missing and the police have spent 3 days looking for any clues, but drawn a blank.
I look for 5 minutes and find what they're looking for.
Piece of kayak.

My sons woodwork teacher used to bully him into making microphone booms, so I decided to take a stand.

I used to always caution against people reading their horoscopes.
Which is probably why I got fired from the police force.

I really hate palindromic pets, as I said to my eel, lee and my elephant, tnahpele

The missus is in a right mood because i've filled the bathroom in our new house with bonsai plants........ I don't know what her problem is,she said to "go out and get toilet trees".

I'm having a really stressful time at the moment, and to make things worse I get back from the doctors to find I've got a high blood count.
I specifically told Dracula not to sample any of my 'special cakes' while I was at work.

I told a really funny joke about trees the other day.
Not my normal style but figured I need to branch out.

My mate asked me. "Have you every played squash"
I replied, "Yes, every time I get in the car with the wife".

My last sailing experience in Bangkok didn't go very well.
Turns out I don't know how to Thai Knots.