Although I used to hate school holidays ending. I always came to terms with them

I can imagine that moving to Australia would really turn your world upside-down.

My girlfriend had little spots of blood on her knickers for 2 days last week.
It was only a brief period.

I went round to my mate's and he was doing a bit of woodwork. I said to him:
'Where's the missus then?'
He said 'Upstairs in bed - she's not at all well.'
I said 'Is that her coughing?'
'No' he replied 'It's a bedside table.'

It's the first time that a disease caused by something long, hard and green hasn't been an STD.

Headline.
'BA pays 55 million in fixing case.'
Can only be a Samsonite suitcase at that price.

What a night's sleep I had, first I thought my hair was stuck to the headboard, then I couldn't stop sucking my teeth. I even moved my pyjamas 12 inches below my waist. then I dreamt I had a really cool mobile phone, but it wasn't mine. It got worse as I started waving my arms around and talking with my fingers. I eventually woke up as I fell whilst being chased by a lot of policemen.
What a night, I slept like a wog.

I don't mind that I missed my church on Sunday.
The rocket hit the Paki shop and blew it up instead.

Apparently Belsprout has killed 29 people in germany... and i though it was useless

I was sacked the day I nearly bankrupted our film company, hiring hundreds of people to be camouflaged soldiers in a battle scene.
I never even gave it a second thought about the cost of the hidden extras.

My friend told me that there's going to be loads of races at Royal Ascot this week, but I'm pretty sure it will just be English and Arabs like usual.

Apple have released a new gadget which enables America to start a war, to cover up stealing oil...
It's called the iRaq.

I've just had one of those new sponge front doors fitted.
Don't knock it.....

when I die, I want to be cremated regardless of cost... I feel like I've urned it.

On patrol in Afghanistan one of the guys said, "Watch out for the cross fire"
I said, "Wow, I didn't expect to see the Ku Klux Klan here"

I went to an Italian carpet fitters convention, last night.
It was wall to wall Totti.

My mate told me he didn't get my business plan for selling brightly coloured cocaine, so I showed him a dye-a-gram.

My track record with women is appaling.
Twenty three defeats and only four wins,

When you're drinking champagne out of a shoe, make sure it isn't laced.

I was out walking last winter, when I got caught in a heavy shower of freezing rain.
I don't really remember what followed... I just sort of glazed over.

In a recent nationwide survey to name popular overweight celebrities,
Adele featured heavily.

Sky News: Woman Named In Tenerife Decapitation Attack
Thats an awfully strange name to call your child...

Incest, Now thats something I can relate to

Me and the wife were arguing about the safest place to keep our life-savings.
I completely lost it.
Probably should have gone with her suggestion of the bank.

Since I started working for Trebor I've made a mint...