My dad was a boxing legend.
He was always a first choice at home removals.

My jamaican heritage means i'm naturally not very good at my job as a miner.
However i still manage to mine sometin.

I was thinking of putting in an offer to buy Samsonite but I've decided it comes with too much baggage.

My band and I just got shamelessly plugged by a big record company president. I still can't walk normally.

The new Agatha Christie novel has a killer start to it.

My neighbour gave me a push this morning when my car wouldn't start.
So I punched him in the face and got on the bus.

Indiana Jones told me he had to run away from a huge tumbling rock.
Sounds like balderdash to me.

"Can you throw me in some toilet paper?!", shouted my wife from the bathroom, before I piled up a load of Andrex and chucked her in.

BBC News: "BBC News website openly allows people to make up quotes and post them elsewhere"

I got given a voucher for a free Frappe today. I think there must have been a mix up though. I wanted my facebook to be humorously hacked, and when I went down there all I got was a drink.

Self employed people...what they do in their own time is their own business.

My dad was a gangster in Bethnal Green in the 1960's.
It was all the Crays back then.

I submitted a thousand page essay today..........My jujitsu skills are getting better.

With all these souvenirs being made in the lead up to a British wedding,
It really gives a new meaning to the concept of "A Royal Teabag"...

I'm allergic to escaping prisons.
I break out in a rash.

The Queen does not forecast any significant reign today.

I can't believe my grandma was unhappy with the tractor I got her for her birthday. I mean, she was the one that asked for the 'sowing machine'.

I went to to see a medium, but I was too early....
Apparently that's quite rare.

Doing stand up at this cannibalist's wedding was awkward at first,
but then I told some rude jokes and now I'm on a roll.

I was talking to my girlfriend about Yoga. She said it could cure all illness and disease. I think it's a stretch.

I bought a contraception magazine yesterday.
Most of it was boring, but there was a great pull-out section.

If you are addicted to meths. Then you are either an alcoholic or a South African who really likes numbers.

This guy at work started punching me because of how I constantly point out people's failures.
I flawed him.

I was just telling my neighbour that it's my little boys birthday and I'm tired from blowing things up all morning.
"Haha balloons." She laughed.
"No mosques." I replied.

I won a race at the fair yesterday...
But it was the French - so I swapped them for a stuffed bear.