My wife is just like a moussaka.
Without the saka.

Just started freelancing at a school for the partially deaf. I'm hoping to get a lot of repeat work

My new job as a steeplejack is going great.
I've been getting stacks of work.

My wife and her baby talk is killing me.
I wish she would speak like an adult.

At least my new Foster parents didn't beat me,unlike my Stella parents.

I tried going out with a faulty computer mouse once, but it just didn't click.

My wife said our newborn son needed to be breast-fed, and that she's "gotta sort it".
I said, "just use a bottle instead."

I've just paid 3.50 for a taxi.
Quite expensive for a chocolate bar.

Ethics wise I'm very procrastinate
I'll put the hyphen in later

I was sat on a coach this morning, so now I'm banned from training.

Me and my partner were accused of plagiarising 50 Cent.
He took the rap

I suddenly woke up and realised that I was dressed like a Bangkok ladyboy!
Apparently that terrorist misunderstood "Tie Him Up!"

Unfortunately, the lumberjack couldn't hack his new job.
He was given the axe.

I was in the pub with the lads last night, having a go at the weekly pub quiz.
We were doing terrible when a question came up i thought i knew. Instead of the lads having a wild guess, i decided to have a stab in the dark.
Then the police came in to arrest me for racially motivated, wounding with intent.

When my wife caught me cheating she said she would cut me a break.
I only realised I'd misheard her when my car plummeted over the rivine.

Art critics have called my latest statue monumentally stupid.
I'll take it as a compliment seeing that I put a statue of Harvey Price in Trafalgar Square

My mate said that when he ran a marathon he "hit the wall" after 20 miles.
I'm not surprised. Fancy taking a free kick after running all that way.

My daughter said she was bringing her new boyfriend home to meet us, but had to be careful what we said around him. Apparently he's been through a hard time and has one or two big issues to deal with.
Just as long as he doesn't try selling them to me for more than a pound, I'm sure we'll get on fine.

What do you get if you cut up an avocado into 6.02x10^23 pieces?
Guaca-mole.

I went to the music store the other day and asked "can I see your kettle drum?"
The guy replied "No, but would you like to see my toaster play the nose flute?"

Drank too much the other night; I had more shots than an Arizonian gunman.

I thought there would be no end to my very rare eating disorder but the doctor suggested I go to this work out group and there I met other people who ate Willows, Beeches and Elms. It seems to be working..
It's been three weeks now and I'm tree total.

My car takes me from A to B...
But I live in Kew.

I had some Hunters stew today. He wasn't happy when he found out.

Went to Starbucks today and asked for a Brazilian Coffee?
All I got was a cup of dirty water.