I Just took a picture of my wife on a nudist beach.
Luckily it's to grainy to make out.

In today's economic climate, my business is going down the drain.
Well, I do own a soap company.

When my wife lost her arms in an accident I eventually divorced her after a year.
She just never gave a toss.

My car broke down on my way to work this morning.
It was really disturbing to see it cry.

I quit my job as a Chiropractor today. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

A human foot washed up on the banks of the river Mersey today as did one in the river Thames and the Humber!
Three feet in one day!
I've called the yard.

People have some strange fetishes, but i've got to say, I'm a sucker for lollipop ladies.

I met a really Dirty girl last night in the pub.
After flirting with her for ages, i took her home and gave her exactly what she was needing.
A Bath.

I was out in the town this afternoon and actually caught my son shoplifting.
I had no idea he was that strong.

Sky News: Jimmy Nail In Hospital With Lung Cancer.
Oh well, may as well stick another nail in the coffin.

''What's the matter?'' said the trainee to the Brain surgeon.

I spent hours studying the pyramids today.
I've concluded they're much nicer than the round tea bags.

The only thing my wife wants me to do spontaneously on Valentines day is combust.

My mate from Belfast is claiming the sickness benefit by pretending there's something wrong with his lower leg. He's doing a Sinn Fein.

I was sat plucking away at my guitar when I thought...
...this thing doesn't have any feathers.

I was working a broad last week.
She loved it.

Are Focus Groups newer versions of Escort Agencies?

My missus said that she would like a DS for Christmas.
I'm not sure about that, I don't really fancy adopting a Downs Syndrome kid.

Just bought my new Gibson guitar.
Strings attached.

I was having a heart to heart with my oyster family, but they just wouldn't open up.

Overs... Worst To Best:
1) Comb
2) Hang
3) Left
4) Make
5) Leg

Today, my girlfriend made a great sandwich.
And there was enough of her left over to make a curry afterwards.

You ever noticed an unwanted child can fit through a 12 storey window...?
I'm just throwing it out there...

The memory of someone hitting me in the head with a chisel is forever engraved in my mind.

Each time I tried shooting blindfolded I found it an aimless pursuit.