My wife just tried to get me to sit down and talk with her.
I think she's trying to tell me something.

"Pope Benedictus".
Vatican denies this latest allegation of child abuse.

I tried a yo-yo diet once but had to stop...
I kept choking on the string.

Where do ships go when they're ill?
The docks.

How many knives does it take to change a lightbulb?
C'mon, just take a stab in the dark.

With a Knighthood you become a Sir and thus gain respect.
So where did it all go wrong for my teachers?

My uncle was a pervert, he always molested me. So I phoned the police and told them everything.
Ever since that day I've been impervious to him.

Some people don't like being labelled "White Van Man", but I like it.
Makes me sound like a super hero.

Leaving to head down to the post office, and i thought i would take my wife down.
3 months later, courtroom, no regrets.

This summer in Barbados I accidentally mistook some of my sister's Canesten cream for sunblock.
Boy was I red faced!

I've only just heard that there's an international "caps lock day".
I don't know about you... but it just sounds like a load of shift to me.

I've got the choice of either running away with my bulimic mistress, or stick by my anorexic wife.
It's slim pickings.

The only thing I want in life is a new world order.
wrodl

I am in court today for stealing a packet of Bisto from Tesco. My brief is claiming I was just stock taking. What a genius.

My wife gets infuriated with me because I can never remember old phrases.
I just think she's got a potato on her neck.

My Dad isn't happy with my career choice as a police marksman.
He told me I should aim higher.

I'm a reformed time-piece thief and putting clocks back was my counsellor's idea.

Pick an exclusive Dracula costume next time and make it Count.

My mate from Hartlepool phoned me to say he saw Linford Christie in town.
I said, "Big deal, it's not like Hartlepool's never seen a well hung monkey before".

I've just dumped my load outside the primary school gates.
I love driving my gritting lorry.

BBC News: Police 'failed' deaf man who died.
"Perhaps if they used the flashing lights instead of the sirens, it might have been avoided?"

I just recieved an email:
"Jack, Black Friday is coming to The Bookshop! Be ready!"
Trust The Bookshop to hire Robinson Crusoe rejects.

I recently went to a pub and asked the pretty lady at the bar for a nice bit of head.
Worst pint I've ever had.

London sperm bank:
I love coming here!

I had a dream last night that I went on holiday with a load of bananas, I was so disappointed when I woke up as they were such a lovely bunch...