I was collecting money for a charity, when I asked this black guy, "Do you have any coppers on you?"
For some reason no one has seen him since.

I've had one of them 'Chubb' locks fitted on my front door, works like a dream, I've had no fat people round for a week..

I saw this sign at the local community centre saying, "Rec Room".
So I did.

only six muslims died at 9/11
imagine if thhat happened in london

Benson & Hedges; a black man's gardening business.

I went to the doctors and told him I had a sharp pain in my back. He said 'You have a large key in your back, like you get on those mechanical toy cars.'
I turned to him and said 'Are you winding me up?'

My underground spying organisation was a big failure.
We had a mole all along.

Killed a chav earlier, so I dug a hole & buried him.
'innit.'

I was pulled over by the police this morning and the officer said, "I've pulled you over for weaving in the car." I replied, "Yes I know, I've almost finished my first rug."

I'm on my way round to the hotel that John W Henry is staying at tonight with my new fishing net.
I hear he's just flushed 300 million down the drain.

A pretty woman at the job centre said she'd like to offer me a tug job.
So I dropped my pants there and then which subsequently got me arrested.
Apparently tugs are also types of boats.

I hate shallow women.
You can only get it halfway in, and even then the tip bangs against her cervix.

I went to Citizens Advice last week and asked a woman if I could have some information on homelessness.
"Be my guest" she replied.
I've been living in her office ever since.

I'm currently measuring the length of the equator in centimetres.
I'm going to rule the world.

I've just completed my astrology course!
Who knows what the future holds for me now...

I told a beautiful woman I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole and she slapped me and left me.
It's hard being a gondolier sometimes.

Where do South African rugby players keep their Slinkys?
The Spring Box.

Can blind people look on the bright side?

I had a near death experience a few weeks ago.
I sat next to Alex Higgins on the bus.

I've just had a dumbell surgically removed from my brain.
It's a real weight off my mind let me tell you.

I'm 6 foot 7 so I'm always looking down on people.
Especially my sister, she got pregnant when she was 13.

I saw a young girl splashing around in a river. Her dad was shouting "Shave her, shave her!"
As I jumped in with my foam and razor he shouted "I shaid SHAVE her, shtupid!"

I literally like metaphors and similes.

What have illegal downloads and very wet weather got in common?
Torrents shall reign.

How times have changed. My son came home from school the other day and told me he won a spelling bee. When I was at school I won a horse that could do algebra