As a hairdresser I find I have to take a lot of shortcuts.

Just been to watch a swimming gala
Craziest thing I ever did see - an apple doing the backstroke

I'm giving away solar powered mobile phones.
No charge.

I decided to buy "Hollywood Hostages", a videogame in which you release background actors from captivity. I'm really good - I've already unlocked loads of extras.

"I'm afraid your wife has pneumonia", the doctor told me.
I replied "Nothing new about that, she's always moaning."

My son was killed whilst pretending his wheelchair was a transformer on the M1.
You could say he died in his Prime.

Some people say Birmingham looks great in the summer.
I reckon it looks better in the Rear view mirror.

I saw two homeless people up at the butcher's tonight.
It's about time really. The smell of their rotting bodies is starting to make my neighbours suspicious.

I like to sit in the shallow end of the pool and call people fat.

I judged a bungee jumping contest and to be honest, I wasn't impressed.
The standard was falling.

Brangelina have announced that they are having a divorce following rumours of Brads' affair with his ex, Jennifer Aniston, started to circulated.
Its good news for Jolie as Brad and Aniston will have the nickname 'Branston' and their relationship will probably be a pickle.

Soon Muslims will be driving round in their Nissan sunny's trying to pick up young white girls whilst celebrating yet another one of their pointless holidays.
Take Eid of what I've told you.

I used to watch every Celtic game for free as a wee boy...
The water boys job was taken.

I've just thought, how are Norwegian mediums planning to contact all the people who died in the Oslo bomb attack and the shooting?
Are they going to use a 'wegie board?

My mum just told me she was gonna stay in and watch True Grit tonight
I said "NICE... with Jeff Bridges?"
She said "No...just me and your dad"

Went out with an artificial joint manufacturer once.
She gave me the elbow.

I used to think i was a really good creative writer.
Turns out it was just my imagination.

I used to think i was a really good creative writer.
Turns out it was just my imagination.

I used to rent a flat above a surfing shop
Everything was above board.

My wife's cricket mad. When she was going to have our first kid she told me she wanted it to be something she'd never forget.
So as the kid came out I grabbed it, swung it round my head, bowled it down the ward and knocked a nurse over.
It was an astonishing delivery.

I used to have a job as an astronaut. At first I was over the moon, but I soon fell back down to Earth.

Apple are wondering if anyone will buy their latest product made from timber.
I would.

I was checking out a mobile phone the other day, when I thought to myself...
My standards have REALLY dropped...

I have an absolute hatred for Dysons and Hoovers.
I think it's because I'm at one with the universe.
It's my nature to abhor vacuums.

I have recently received a degree in delivering mail.
I am a post graduate.