Im sick to death of the wife banging the lounge door against the wall.
Im going to put a stop to it.

As a hairdresser I find I have to take a lot of shortcuts.

Just been to watch a swimming gala
Craziest thing I ever did see - an apple doing the backstroke

Brangelina have announced that they are having a divorce following rumours of Brads' affair with his ex, Jennifer Aniston, started to circulated.
Its good news for Jolie as Brad and Aniston will have the nickname 'Branston' and their relationship will probably be a pickle.

I judged a bungee jumping contest and to be honest, I wasn't impressed.
The standard was falling.

I like to sit in the shallow end of the pool and call people fat.

I saw two homeless people up at the butcher's tonight.
It's about time really. The smell of their rotting bodies is starting to make my neighbours suspicious.

Some people say Birmingham looks great in the summer.
I reckon it looks better in the Rear view mirror.

My son was killed whilst pretending his wheelchair was a transformer on the M1.
You could say he died in his Prime.

"I'm afraid your wife has pneumonia", the doctor told me.
I replied "Nothing new about that, she's always moaning."

I decided to buy "Hollywood Hostages", a videogame in which you release background actors from captivity. I'm really good - I've already unlocked loads of extras.

My wifes been on the pill for a while now. I don't think she understands it isn't a suppository

Down London for some breakfast,
Can't seem to find a full English anywhere.

I got to drive the Top Gear test track today, it's actually quite scary.
When I got to Followthrough Corner, I shat myself.

I'm after painting a picture of a flower blooming from an embryonic shoot.
I'm a budding artist.

I have recently received a degree in delivering mail.
I am a post graduate.

I have an absolute hatred for Dysons and Hoovers.
I think it's because I'm at one with the universe.
It's my nature to abhor vacuums.

I was checking out a mobile phone the other day, when I thought to myself...
My standards have REALLY dropped...

Apple are wondering if anyone will buy their latest product made from timber.
I would.

I used to have a job as an astronaut. At first I was over the moon, but I soon fell back down to Earth.

My wife's cricket mad. When she was going to have our first kid she told me she wanted it to be something she'd never forget.
So as the kid came out I grabbed it, swung it round my head, bowled it down the ward and knocked a nurse over.
It was an astonishing delivery.

I used to rent a flat above a surfing shop
Everything was above board.

I used to think i was a really good creative writer.
Turns out it was just my imagination.

I used to think i was a really good creative writer.
Turns out it was just my imagination.

Went out with an artificial joint manufacturer once.
She gave me the elbow.