Honesty is the best policy.
That's a lie.

I'm bone idle.
I'm not lazy, I just can't get an erection.

It's my job to look after the atomic clock but due to consistently not turning up for work it's now broke.
I told my boss I will make the time up.

I hate looking down on people,but when I do Skydiving I really can't afford not to.

I hate people who steal my ideas before I think of them.

Sky News: Toxic Mushroom blamed for 400 China deaths
I didn't know that band were touring the far east?

I love going to see my female gynaecologist...
She has such genital hands.

My mate was admitted to Newcastle hospital and he got the big C.
Now it just spells Newastle.

My mother single-handedly raised me.
I kind of wish she'd put me back down.

If a shrink retires does that make him a shrunk?

I seen a large line of Emo's and Goths lining up to buy Cliff Richard concert tickets.
It must be some new way of self harming

I work as a dyslexic shipman.
I don't like to boast though.

I was racking my brain, trying to think of a well known phrase, but I kept falling short of a successful outcome.
Close but no cigarette.

I got on the bus today where there was a fat women driver. When I put my money into the machiene she asked, 'single?'
I replied, "yeah but I'm not interested thanks."

My girlfriend gets all excited when I lock her in a tiny cupboard.
She can barely contain herself.

Whilst I was competing in the Olympics I had to partake in a random drugs test
My favorite was the Cocaine

Is reverse paranoia the fear that you're following someone?

Please, do not make jokes about the mother and young daughter who died when their house burnt down in Swansea. I knew them personally, and they were as happy as a family could be. They were so happy together. They got on like a house on fire.

A doctor caught swine flu from the door to his clinic.
He was furious.
Flu off the handle.

The disabled area in a theatre should be called 'The Cabage Patch'

Being a mute rapist means never having to say you're sorry.

My carpet caught fire yesterday, so I tried to stamp it out.
It didn't help, and cost me a fortune in stamps.

I've always lived by the motto my mum once told me, "Never go to bed angry."
I stay awake and plot my revenge.

I bought my wife a cat-suit.
But she looks more like a hippo.

Just found out the guy delivering my wifes baby is called Derek Montgomery. Don't know how i feel about the man called Del Monty being anywhere my child..