My wife just caught me red handed.
Tell you what,this painting without gloves sure is a messy business.

My wife recently told me that she thought I was selfish in bed.
How was I to know she wanted half of the duvet.

For some reason I can't get hired. I work as a kid's entertainer playing music at parties but several customers think my act is inappropriate so I have turned to the internet to see if anyone wants to book me for their son/daughter's party.
Anyway, if you wish to get in contact with me my stage name is Gary Guitar

I pulled a sicki the other day....
...Yeah, that stand up comedy night was a real ice-breaker

Automatic Dryers, you have to hold your hands up to them.

Yesterday, I was so hungry that my hearing started to go.
I must've nearly starved to deaf.

Reporter "Kerry, if you went to a football match do you think the fans would heckle you?".
Kerry Katona "Fat chants".

I worry about the current rate of inflation. I'm not sure my blow up doll can take much more!

I knew their were going to be problems on Elm street when my
parents opened a late night cheese shop.

The wife thought it was a bad idea for me to fist her in my pirate costume.
Now she's hooked.

Twice now, I've been arrested for stealing watches from jewellers all over town and using them to reinforce the wooden framework around my property.
I've not been charged though as it's my sekonda fence.

After being diagnosed with schizophrenia Will.I.Am has changed his name to Will.We.Are

A Trojan horse has ruined my laptop...
It trotted over it while I was on holiday in Turkey.

I have an Endless Love of Lionel Richie puns.

I've just eaten a Minstrel.
Getting the guitar down was the hard part.

I fired a sniper rifle the other day, but it didn't really take my fancy.
I guess I always knew it was a long shot.

I made a vegetarian waffle earlier.
I asked about her day and she went on for hours.

Wasn't going to purchase an animal for the annual male duck race but I went down to the farm anyway,
I thought I'd go for a quick gander...

Torbay Hospital staff are angry over receiving Kit Kats as a prize for a prestigious award.
It wasn't the boost they wanted.

My mate just said "What do you call a rabbit in a hat?"
I didn't answer though, it was a trick question.

I came a long way in therapy with my weird obsession of using shapes and numbers, but yesterday I slipped up.
Now I'm back to square one.

I was going to think of a word beginning with 'u' and was 11 letters long.
But I decided it was unnecessary.

I spent an entire month working on a gigantic puzzle with a picture of the world , and I sadly lost the one final piece of the puzzle.
Now I spend every night praying for a piece in the middel east.

I got really excited when I found out that Tesco's were 'Slashing Prices.'
Until I found out that it had nothing to do with Katie or Harvey.

I got straight A's in my algebra exam....
Which, as the examiner pointed out, was not the correct answer. So I failed.