I woke up at dawn once.
That was my earliest memory...

What kind of wood doesn't float?
Natalie.

I've just read the heartwarming story of a dog's quest to win a game of musical statues, and the one flaw that stopped him achieving that goal.
It was a moving tail.

So I saw this giant fighting a dwarf.
...That's the long and short of it.

I knew it was time to stop pretending to be a fish, but I was hooked.

Will our next contestant be able to handle the pain here on The Torture Channel?
Find out after the break.

Robinson Crusoe was a cruel master, and many a servant died at his hand. That's why the thirteenth one adopted the hockey mask and machete.

Both of Michael Cera's parents worked for Xerox.
This explains why every one of his parts is a facsimile of the last.

I told this gorgeous looking blonde who was trying to open a jar that I was the World's Strongest Man.
I didn't think she'd fall for it but I managed to pull it off

After my daughter's first day at primary school she came home and told me "My teacher touched me."
I'd love to meet her teacher, he sounds like a real inspiration.

"How have the kids been?" my wife asked.
"They've been great!" I replied. "We've had a banging day."
I love admitting my crimes in a subtle way.

I was at my psychiatrist's the other day, and we were speaking about love. She asked me, "have you personally suffered any heartache she asked?" When I replied yes, she then asked me how I dealt with it all.
A bottle of Gaviscon apparently was not an appropriate answer.

i've just finished reading a book about a well-loved but ill dog, it was really hard to put it down

Jack Straw has no brothers, and only daughters.
He really is the final one.

My time as a Police Officer was a disaster.
I must be the only Policeman to get cautioned for wasting Police time.

I love having unique views in life, but it seems that I am the only one

This hot chick walked up to me in the street earlier.
with a cheeky wink she whispered in my ear 'I'm so wet, help me'
'Here's an umbrella' i replied and walked off.

I brought two people with me to my maths exam: the Queen and a robed man bearing an abacus.
I don't know why I was sent away, I had been told to bring a ruler and a calculator.

My wife says that somebody needs to teach our son about condoms.
...That's where I come in.

What is a prisoner's favourite dessert?
Anything, as long as it's custody.

I can't stand the music of Midge Ure and Ultravox, it means nothing to me .

MY friend says that im to suggestive, im trying to get him to think otherwise

In Lady and the Tramp, sharing food with a Dog is considered romantic.
But my Wife catching me sharing some Pedigree Chum with our Alsatian
is apparently disgusting.

Why didn't the tan cross the road?
Cos of the sine

How does a politician sleep?
First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.