My maths teacher loves number jokes...
Figures.

I like my women, like I like my tea.
In a bag, only the leaves are on the outside.

My wife stopped me as I was walking through the kitchen this morning
and said "why have you got that 100kg block tied around your waist?"
"Well you said Ive got to start pulling my weight around the house"

I just got through the door when the wife gave me the ultimatum...
It's okay, but it's not as good as the supremacy.

My wife asked me If I would organise a car boot yesterday so I agreed.
The spare tyres on the left,the first aid kit is neatly tucked to the back and my golf shoes are right in the corner.

"There must be a way to make money at the seaside. I want some money for myself rather than spending what I get on the wife", I said to a mate,
"Selfish" he replied
I said, "Cheers mate, great idea."

I've just been on a popular fat singer's fansite, and wrote:
If I post something here that's random, irrelevant and insulting to her large [number of] fans, in the hope of provoking a response...
...Would that be "Trolling in the deep"?

I bought a made to measure suit today.
It has rulers on the sleeves.

I was on the beach early this morning, looking for hidden treasure. As I swept my new gadget across the sand, it started beeping, so I got my shovel and started digging, hoping to find gold.
It was a very disappointing haul. I uncovered a carrot wrapped in bacon, a cat with a machete through its head, and a half eaten shoe.
It turns out I'd been using a mental detector.

What do you get if you give an ape a gun?
Guerrilla warfare.

I bought my son a coat today, when I gave it to him he started moaning. "That's not the one I wanted!" he said, "I'm not wearing that, it's not fair!"
So I slapped him for being a little puff, no son of mine is wearing fur.

I just bought ET. Now I just need S to complete the set.

Last night the wife discovered I still have all my A-Team action heroes and tried to dump them.
Though I managed to grab hold of B.A, Hannibal and Murdock, I found it hard to save Face.

One of my colleagues got me the sack today. He told the boss I was sleeping on the job. So the boss came up to me and tea-bagged me.

What do you get when you cross a mountain with a paedophile & a group of youths with no friends?
A Duke of Edinburgh Award.

A hippie has choked to death on health food.
Police say he died of natural courses.

Five hundred quid for a new clutch for my Jaguar?
Well, he does love Gucci handbags.

Last night I dreamt that I was captured by a pirate with trademark mouldy teeth.
Said his name was Captain Plaquebeard.

My son asked me if I could help him with his geography homework. He had to divide the history of the earth into seperate time periods. "I'll help you out", I said, "but it's gonna take ages".

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.
Where's he getting the other 3 from?

I've just got some of my hair dyed, it was the highlight of my day.

Hear about the actor that fell through the floor?
It was just a stage he was going through.

A friend of mine tells me he's got a job as Gary Barlow's food seasoner.
I think i'll take that with a pinch of salt.

Apparently there's an elusive stranger wandering around Newcastle called "Wattamean".
People keep asking me if I know him.

BBC News: Hound Dog songwriter dies age 78.
Isn't that suppose to be 325 years?