Looking forward to performing my contortionist act tomorrow night for the very first time.
I can hardly contain myself.

When my mate was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he took three ecstacy pills, one embossed with a '7', one with an '8' and one with a '9'.
His daze was numbered.

The chap who scored the last goal for Chelsea could've cut it back to Lukaku.
Oh well, Doesn't Mata

With all the hype surrounding the transfer deadline day, Emile Heskey is getting paid to clean the transfer window.

I looked at my wife's deeply furrowed brow.
I don't know what she was worried about, it seemed like a quick death after she was run over by the farmer with his tractor and plough.

I got my drugs in abundance last night.
I went to a rave in a cake shop.

Man has pondered the meaning of Life for thousands of years...
...but why did no one think to check the dictionary?

I bought a book called 'The Word Finder and Spelling Reminder Ring Binder'.
It's a rhyming dictionary.

Sky news
Boy crushed by car 'was a true individual'
His father said 'Our jack was always under cars '

As I wandered through the desert, I thought I saw a Mitsubishi Galant.
As it turns out, it was just a mirage.

As I crept through the African bush, the smell of the illicit trade in chicken ova hit me.
I reached the clearing and there they were!
Poachers.

I've bought a pair of scales for my library today.
Hopefully now I can balance the books.

My wife told me to get off 'Call of Duty' because I was playing it too much.
What a Buzz Kill.

There was an interesting bulletin my newspaper this morning.
Hit me right in the shoulder, had to go to hospital.

I just got a text from my girlfriend.
It said "I'm at the zoo, they have lots of cows, oxoxoxoxoxox"

I've got an armpit,
Cant wait to fill it with arms.

Gastric bands lose the country millions of pounds a year.

I'm sick of selling coats. Think I might jacket all in

I went to a restaurant on the moon the other day.
The food was great, but there wasn't really any atmosphere.

Former England goalkeeper Peter Shilton has been capped 125 times.
I suspect his dentist was able to retire early.

I won't be using my faulty bathroom scales anymore.
I've seen the error of my weighs.

I swear my wife will be the debt of me.

Camomile.
Not really my cup of tea....

My wife says I need to improve my language skills.
Ha, I'm not the one using words like "real lies".

It's not the first time the 'Glazers' have come to the rescue in Manchester.