It's not the first time the 'Glazers' have come to the rescue in Manchester.

Im practising to be a journalist at the moment. They say you have to shorten words so you can write faster. Its taken me a couple weeks to learn but ive now got it down to a t.

I love the cool side of the pillow.
It plays jazz to me.

An electrician and an air hostess went on a date.
Sparks flew.

If you want to become a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a windy one-lane road.

Just hearing the sad news that the guy who featured in the original 'Just For Men' advert dyed.

Asamoah Gyan has just announced the name of his new born son.
Parma

I have a habit of eating erasers; I hope it doesn't rub off on you.

My mate keeps talking about how much he loves eating Birdseye potato based savoury foods in square lattice-like shapes.
I told him to stop talking waffle.

I had a job application rejected today. They said I "didn't fit the profile".
I asked, "How about if I stand sideways?"

I hate it when people verbify nouns...

Thinking about it, my favourite topic in physics is reflection.

Inventing fat-free cannabis has been the highlight of my life.

I was fighting with customers every week when I used to be a doorman.
Probably why B & Q fired me.

As I sat watching my daughter whipping her hair back and forth at the school disco, I suddenly realised that she suffers from epilepsy.

My mate's never going to make his wedding on time as he's been stuck in traffic for hours.
We super-glued him to the middle of the road last night on his stag do.

Ricky Gervais is singing in a small nightclub in front of a private audience, backed by a jazz quartet.
A couple near the back of the club, an old man and his wife, are enjoying the ambience when the elderly lady whispers to her husband that she'd love to hear Ricky sing something by Bing Crosby.
The man moves through the tables toward the stage and says, "Hey, Mr Gervais, do you know any of the old Bing Crosby numbers?"
Ricky just keeps singing and doesn't even acknowledge the man.
Again, the old man calls, "Mr Gervais, can you sing a Bing Crosby song?"
Ricky continues to sing but pays him no heed.
The old man is about to try once more when the nightclub owner takes him by the elbow and steers him away from the stage.
"What do you want?" the club owner asks.
"I just wanted to know if Ricky knew any Bing Crosby songs - my wife would love to hear one."
"Well, talk to the band 'cause Gervais ain't listening."

My friend Megan really doesn't like her name and recently decided to change the name she wants to go by, not even bothering to change it by deedpoll.
She's a Lauren to herself.

I decided not to sand my cube down to a sphere.
In the end, it would be pointless.

My girlfriend said she's leaving me because of my obsession with science.
I asked her what I was going to do without her and she told me ''I don't know, whatever floats your boat''
''Density'' I replied.

Just did an interview with a soldier who had lost both his arms in Afghanistan...
"So, how did you feel after it had happened?"
Probably not the best opener...

I got one of those slow cookers the other day. By nine o'clock I was so hungry I gave her the sack

I spiked my mother-in-laws drink last night.
She shouldn't have been sitting so close to the volleyball court.

Did you hear about the mixed race fisherman?
His line's half cast.

I said to my wife "Just be patient".
She wasn't, now she is one.