Did you hear about the cannibalistic dwarf ?
He loved to Munchkin.

We fear change.
Thats why we tell barstaff to keep it.

i don't know how any of them at the paralympics plan on winning, every time i see them they're legless

I once had a crystal meth lab.
It was a nightmare taking him for walkies.

The Labour party must have sold a lot of houses recently,
Last week they had loads for sale, but this week, all the signs have disappeared...

Ah love.... it comes in spurts.

After chopping off my taller rivals feet in a revenge attack, we're now level.

I stood up and said, "I bid you adieu"
The auctioneer said, "It's money or nothing, pal"

BBC NEWS: Ex-player Parks at top of Everest.
Obviously played for a ladies team.

If anyone tells you that they stand up while masterbating,
chances are they're actually lying.

Two wrongs never make a right,
unless its a double negative.

My friend just gave me a dead leg. I'm going to bury it in the garden and ask no further questions.

Last night me and my mates got drunk at the top of a bungee jumping platform,
Today we all had a horrible hangover.

I got my granny new footwear to wear around the house, made entirely from the wool of mother ewes.
They're freudian slippers.

I always carry a rubber in my wallet just incase.
So far it's never been used my spelling is pretty good!

BBC Sport News: Republic skipper Robbie Keane became the first Irish or British player to reach 50 goals with his opening strike against Macedonia.
I know FIFA is undergoing some change at the moment, but 50 goals with 1 strike is a little too far.

My mate is an astronaut, he used to look down on me.
He's now thankfully been brought down to earth.

My friend asked me what I thought was the best way to pick up chicks.
I suggested a hand beneath their webbed feet and one behind their back for support.
NB Chicks don't have webbed feet; they're not water foul

What's the point in pin the tail to the donkey?
The sharp bit.

I was on an expedition in the Amazon last week and I came across a bizarre tribe hopping around a circuit with their wife on their back and a chicken on their head.
I think I've discovered a new race.

I sacked my midget gardener yesterday for being insulting towards me.
He was always having a little dig.

Christian electrician has won his fight to keep cross in van.
Shouldn't he just forgive?

My girlfriend said she's going to leave me if I don't start facing up to the fact that I can't actually speak French and should stop using bits of it in conversation. Je know she's just jealous...

I joined the Skydiving Club the other day.
But when I said, "I'll be too scared to jump," they threw me out.

A man dressed as a jelly baby brought me my news paper in hospital today.
He must have been the delivery sweet.