I used to do athletics at school. The hurdles was my favourite event but I had to stop. There were too many obstacles in my way.

I took my son for a drive this morning.
Poor sod's still got the tyre marks where I parked on his face.

NEWS: Osama Bin Laden killed in fire-fight.
If only he'd been trained on how to use an extinguisher correctly.

Do Muslim women not smoke crack because they dont enjoy having a good time?

I've just seen two kids arguing in the park.
It was a minor disagreement.

Me and my mate went to the work fancy dress party last night when we instantly saw the office geek dressed up as one of the evil army from 'Lord of the Rings''
We saw him coming towards us and agreed we both wouldn't speak to him.
''Hey guys!'' He shouted, bounding towards us.
An Orc-ward silence ensued.

I hate pretentious people.
I mean, what is the point in applying exorbitantly extensive vocabulary, it is just straightforwardly unnecessary.

I'll never forget our countdown to the new year.There were four of us,me,my wife and our one year old twins...But they don't count.

For my birthday this year I was surprised to receive a large screw-like object from Lee Ryan.
It was a bolt from the Blue.

I don't know where these silly old sayings come from.
I mean, I once saw a bowl in a china shop, it wasn't causing any trouble. It was just sitting there.

Due to the downturn in the economy my friend has had to close down his salt stall
He's really feeling the pinch

My wifes name is Lisa, she complains a lot and she really loves Leonardo da Vinci art.
The nick name I gave her is obvious.
Although she hates it when I call her Obvious.

My wife made me a cup of coffee earlier.
I'd left it there for a while and when I went to drink some, I noticed it had a skin on top.
I wish she'd see the doctor about her eczema.

BBC News: 5 year old girl in gunshot wound is no longer in a critical condition.
Or 'dead'.

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who think there are two kinds of people in this world and those who do not.

Tautology causes me to worry, stress out and tense up.

Today my wife was really upset that our son got named and shamed.
Personally I think its a lovely name for our first child.

I've got a mate who kneels on old women.
He likes to pray on the elderly.

I asked Russell Howard to proof-read some of my work.
He ended up crossing his eyes and dotting the t's.

My mate's constantly bragging about being a brilliant mechanic.
He's always talking the torque.

I told my mate a joke about The Red Arrows. He didn't get it.
Went completely over his head.

I was in Paris when a young girls dress blew up....
I got an Eiffel

I was walking down the street earlier when a baby cat ran into the road straight into the path of a car - the driver didn't even stop - just kept on driving.
Kitten Run.

BBC News: Woman leaving nightclub was murdered with blunt object.
She must have been hammered.

Scalping.
Now that never really caught on did it?
Even the Red Indians had their reservations.