I sank ten pints of lovely Rocky Mountain Beer, and when I stumbled in, my wife said, "Have you been drinking? Your breath stinks!"
I smiled, and replied, "Yes, of Coors."

I just sold a tin of kidney beans to my doctor for 60 pence.
He says I have a really good pulse rate.

My wife just made me a sandwich.
If I'm honest, being in the middle of two slices of bread isn't all it's cracked up to be

My friend has a problem with catching things.
It's starting to get out of hand.

People think it's strange that I've only ever seen the beach once in my lifetime.
I never watch films twice.

Even though it was snowing, my mate and me decided to play frisbee in the park. Being overzealous I managed to land my throw on a marquee that was housing a fair.
I thought, now is the winter of my disc on tent..

BBC News: Egyptian military dissolves parliament.
"Ahh, so it was the sneaky Egyptian military who had the chemical weapons all along and not Saddam then?"

My wife said we should have an acronym contest.
I said stfu.

I always agree to meet my internet prey in the play ground.
Roundabout, 7.

I was bored on a long flight earlier, so I decided to kill some time by getting really drunk.
My co-pilot went mental.

I just bought some unperforated toilet paper.
What a rip-off

Ever since my thespian mate became a cocaine and steroid addict, he's been acting all high and mighty

I've just seen two used tea bags having a fight.
I had to restrain them.

If your ex dies, that makes her an ex ex?
If you killed her during kinky foreplay... is she a triple ex?

At the local rugby game, I found out that spelling is very important.
That's the last time I give my mates bare hugs.

And then Noah said unto the Lord "Ok, so what kind of an ark is an aardv?"

My father dedicated his life to get rid of annoying churches in neighbourhoods across the world.
He won a No Bell peace prize.

A man looks over the librarian's shoulder and says,''Is that the new book on severe acne?''
The librarian says,'' Yes,Well spotted.''

BBC news: parties clash over doner decision
Apparently they just couldn't decide between lamb or chicken

I did everything I could to get the part of Jack in the panto, as I'd heard the beanstalk was being played by Cheryl Cole

I was speaking to a bald mate the other day.
He said "Do you know where i can get a good hair transplant? "
I said, " Off the top of my head, im not so sure "

For whom the bell tolls? For the person with the belt.

It came as no surprise when the security guard at the amputation clinic was unarmed today.

I fantasise about sawing the top of the skull off a woman then giving her a Roman shower.
Which is sick in the head.

My wife is absolutely thrilled that I got an extension on the house.
The plastic surgeon took pity on me and did it for free.