My mum just told me she was gonna stay in and watch True Grit tonight
I said "NICE... with Jeff Bridges?"
She said "No...just me and your dad"

I've just thought, how are Norwegian mediums planning to contact all the people who died in the Oslo bomb attack and the shooting?
Are they going to use a 'wegie board?

I used to watch every Celtic game for free as a wee boy...
The water boys job was taken.

Soon Muslims will be driving round in their Nissan sunny's trying to pick up young white girls whilst celebrating yet another one of their pointless holidays.
Take Eid of what I've told you.

What did the fairytale character say when she visited Birmingham?
Snow Whites.

My wife left me last week. I've never been so depressed.
There hasn't been anybody to do the ironing.

I quit my job at the Hairdressers.
There were just too many big wigs in the office.

BBC News: "Typhoon jets grounded"
Maybe that'll teach them to stop getting into fights.

My name is Midgetorius.
Midget for short.

My labourer doesn't believe I can speak to spirits on one of my work tools.
He said, "Honestly?"
"On the level." I replied.

The UAF Played the National Front football team today.
Five minutes in they were complaining about their own players goal hanging.

NEWS : Bin Laden was killed by a single shot through the eye from a US Navy Seal.
I find it hard to believe that a man who went to Cambridge University and founded Al-Qaeda fell for the old, 'Hey Osama, could you check to see if my gun barrel is clean?...'

I thought i'd made a mistake going to Downtown today, turns out it wasn't such a bad idea, i've never felt so smart.

In Mcdonalds today there was a sign on the sink which read...
"We recycle 92% of the URINAL water..."
I've washed my hands with it now.

I've just seen Gok Wan on a Rickshaw.
He had him bent over, doggy style.

My band got booed off at the singles club party last night when we dared to play 'Lonely This Christmas'.
I'm telling you, our name was Mud.

I went fishing today and caught a perch.
The bird that was sat on it wasn't very impressed.

Sword sheaths...
I don't see the point.

Sun News: Hunt for street's cat killer.
Now who trained it to do that? I'm looking at you, Susan Boyle.

A black guy came up to me in the street and said, "Hey, I'm the master of disguise."
I looked at the white bloke he was with and said, "I think you'll find he's the master and you're the slave."

A double glazing salesman knocked at the door today.
He promised me an excellent deal......but I could see right through him!

I'm supposed to working, but I heard someone use the word "procrastination", so I'm just going to look it up first.

I hate the boss of the Air Conditioning company I work for.
He always blows hot and cold.

I had a lovely meal last night. Can't tell you what though as there's a supper injunction in place

I invested all my money into buying shares in oxo. Thought I'd try my hand at the stock Market.