I'm after painting a picture of a flower blooming from an embryonic shoot.
I'm a budding artist.

I got to drive the Top Gear test track today, it's actually quite scary.
When I got to Followthrough Corner, I shat myself.

Down London for some breakfast,
Can't seem to find a full English anywhere.

My wifes been on the pill for a while now. I don't think she understands it isn't a suppository

Sun News: Hunt for street's cat killer.
Now who trained it to do that? I'm looking at you, Susan Boyle.

What did the fairytale character say when she visited Birmingham?
Snow Whites.

My wife left me last week. I've never been so depressed.
There hasn't been anybody to do the ironing.

I quit my job at the Hairdressers.
There were just too many big wigs in the office.

BBC News: "Typhoon jets grounded"
Maybe that'll teach them to stop getting into fights.

My name is Midgetorius.
Midget for short.

My labourer doesn't believe I can speak to spirits on one of my work tools.
He said, "Honestly?"
"On the level." I replied.

The UAF Played the National Front football team today.
Five minutes in they were complaining about their own players goal hanging.

NEWS : Bin Laden was killed by a single shot through the eye from a US Navy Seal.
I find it hard to believe that a man who went to Cambridge University and founded Al-Qaeda fell for the old, 'Hey Osama, could you check to see if my gun barrel is clean?...'

I thought i'd made a mistake going to Downtown today, turns out it wasn't such a bad idea, i've never felt so smart.

In Mcdonalds today there was a sign on the sink which read...
"We recycle 92% of the URINAL water..."
I've washed my hands with it now.

I've just seen Gok Wan on a Rickshaw.
He had him bent over, doggy style.

My band got booed off at the singles club party last night when we dared to play 'Lonely This Christmas'.
I'm telling you, our name was Mud.

I went fishing today and caught a perch.
The bird that was sat on it wasn't very impressed.

Sword sheaths...
I don't see the point.

A double glazing salesman knocked at the door today.
He promised me an excellent deal......but I could see right through him!

I'm supposed to working, but I heard someone use the word "procrastination", so I'm just going to look it up first.

I hate the boss of the Air Conditioning company I work for.
He always blows hot and cold.

I had a lovely meal last night. Can't tell you what though as there's a supper injunction in place

I invested all my money into buying shares in oxo. Thought I'd try my hand at the stock Market.

BBC Sport: Murray to defy injury in semi bid.
After hours of furious rubbing, he finally got it halfway up.